Well, it has been exactly 16 weeks since we found that that
our sweet little AJ didn’t have a heartbeat.
I’ll never forget that day… or that sleepless night. The day we heard “I am very sorry, but there
is no heartbeat.” It was so hard to put
all my thoughts together. They gave us
choices. We could have checked into the
hospital that minute to be induced. I
could come back the next day…or the next…or the next…or next week. Part of me wanted to go to the hospital that
instant and…part of me wanted to leave him in there forever so I would never
have to separate from him. But my
priority at that minute was my other four children. There was nothing I could do for AJ but I
NEEDED to comfort my other kids and prepare them and answer any questions. We picked them up from John’s parents,
brought them home and sat them all down on the couch…the same couch we sat them
on 6 months before to tell them we’d be adding a baby to the family. I recorded their reaction when we told them I
was pregnant. They were so
excited…yelling and jumping on the couch.
I haven’t been able to watch that video yet. But I’ll never forget that Isaak asked me
“what if something happens to the baby?”
I didn’t really know what to say or why he would even ask that? I told him that I hoped nothing would happen and that we need to pray for this
baby. Who would have guessed it would
end like this? We snuggled and cried
with each of them. Lexi had to run
outside and tell Buddy (our dog). She
said he was sad too. I don’t know how
she could tell…he’s a Cocker Spaniel and always looks sad. We spent the rest of the day and night
cleaning. Scrubbing floors and
toilets. Cleaning the fridge and
vacuuming. I didn’t know what else to
do. I remember being on my hands and
knees in the backroom scrubbing the floor and thinking this is just so
ridiculous. My baby is dead and I’m
scrubbing the floor. I am a “grief
cleaner.” Whenever I am really sad, I
scrub something. I have cleaned in
places I haven’t seen since we moved in, like behind the stove and under the
fridge. Weird,huh?
Yesterday, I lied. I
was coming out of bible study and saw my Pastor. He asked how I was and I said “okay” but the
truth is I am not. I had been fighting
off tears all morning and the day before that, too. I took a deep breath, turned the corner, put
a smile on my face, picked up my daughter from the nursery, and had a
conversation about the much needed rain we were getting. I buckled up Lexi in the seat behind me and
cried all the way home. On top of being sad...I felt a little guilty about lying. Certainly, I could tell my Pastor I'm not okay, right? I don’t know why
some days are like this. Some days the
pain is so terrible…so raw…like it just happened. And other days, it feels like it happened a
lifetime ago. Like I am completely numb. I read in a book about infant loss that said grief
comes in gradual increments because your heart couldn’t take the pain if it was
all given to you at once. I believe that
wholeheartedly. As time passes, I just miss him more and more. I didn't think it would be like this:(
Anyway, yesterday we started a new bible study. It is called “Not a Fan.” It is about asking yourself if you are a fan
or a follower of Jesus? Do you give him
the keys to all the rooms of your life or keep him compartmentalized to a
certain area? This is what Jesus said
“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily,
and follow me.” Luke 9:23. Take up his cross daily!!!! You hear it said that everyone has a cross to
bear. Right now I feel like my cross is
unbearably heavy. Some days I swear it
is too heavy to even drag like it is going to crush me. Other days, friends come along and help
burden some of the weight, like Simon with Jesus. Even with help, it is still a difficult cross to carry.
So you can continue to pray for us. We are still so sad…so broken…but we have
HOPE.
