Well, today marks 4 months since my sweet son was born…and
died. Four long… lonely… sleep deprived
months. We went to the cemetery again
tonight and let 4 message-filled balloons go up to Heaven. It was hard tonight, very hard. I HATE that he is not here. He should be here with me. A few weeks ago in church, there was another
brand new baby sitting straight across the aisle from our family. Lexi asked John “is that so-and-so’s baby?” He told her “yes” and she said “that’s not
fair. We didn’t get to keep our
baby.” She then put her head on John’s
shoulder and cried a little bit. I was
on the other end of the pew and completely oblivious to what was going on. John told me the story later. I asked him what he said to her. He said that he told her she was right. It’s not fair. I thought, wow, I never would have said that to her. I would have said something like “God has a
plan for our family” or “I know it’s sad, but AJ is happy in Heaven.” I never would have said “you’re right, it’s
not fair.” But you know what…they are
right…It’s NOT fair…it’s not fair at all.
And frankly, it really sucks!
Today, on the way to drop Lexi off at preschool, she told me
that she was going to ask Jesus if she could hold AJ one more time. Sometimes it’s like she reads my mind. Oh, how I wish I could hold him again. I wish I could have looked into his eyes for
one minute. I wish I could have heard
him make one little sound. I wish I
could have whispered in his ear and know that he heard me. I have thought about that day over and
over. If only I could have had 5 minutes
with him. But I know if I would have had
5 minutes, I would have wanted an hour and a day or a month, maybe a
year…whatever the amount of time…it wouldn’t have been enough. A parent is not supposed to out-live their
children.
“The moment that a mother finds out that her child had died
is one that she’ll never forget. Time
stood still, my heart stopped beating, and a big part of me died with him. No words can describe the feeling of looking
down at your baby and seeing a sleeping angel.
Even though you don’t want to remember that day, you never want to
forget. Every moment, every detail,
every tear is etched in your heart forever…” Mary Nelda Williams.
“I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the
world rejoices. You will grieve, but
your grief will turn to joy” John 16:20.
I am patiently waiting for my joy.
Kiss him once for me...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9_Ctb6Zm1s
Kiss him once for me...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9_Ctb6Zm1s
