I am going to admit something that I am not terribly proud
of. From the moment I found out AJ didn’t
have a heartbeat, I started searching my memory for scripture, something for me
to hang onto, to provide some sort of comfort.
The verse that kept playing in my mind was Philippians 4:19 “I can do
all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
During those first few days, there were times when I just didn’t think I
could go on but I would repeat that verse over and over and somehow, by the
grace of God, I was able to pick myself up, sometimes literally, and continue
on.
When AJ was born the room was absolutely silent except for
the doctor counting 1…2…3…4…5…as he untangled my son from his own cord. The doctor placed him in my arms and the verse
that immediately popped into my mind was
Matthew 27:46 “…My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
What??? I know I am
not forsaken. I am blessed beyond
measure. I have a great life. I have an amazing husband who loves me dearly
(and I LOVE him!), four beautiful, healthy children here on earth who are mostly sweet and
loving, a warm and comfortable house. I
have true friends and a great church. I
have everything I NEED and much, much more.
So, what part of that sounds “forsaken”?
Just because God did not fulfill MY plan does not mean that he has
forsaken me. And for even briefly
thinking that…I am not proud.
I wish that before I delivered AJ, I would have read the
scripture about Jesus praying in the garden of Gethsemane. I know it seems like an odd passage to bring
comfort, but it has. Jesus prayed in the garden “My Father, if it
is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” Matthew
26:39. I could relate to that. I remember soaking in the bathtub the night
before I was induced and begging God to let that ultrasound be wrong, to
somehow let me give birth to a living baby. I knew he had the power to perform miracles,
but if that wouldn’t be the case, I asked that he would help me to do this
gracefully…to praise him in the storm…to not waiver in my faith.
I have a beautiful devotional called a “A Year of Hope” by
Nancy Guthrie and in it, she says “…it is hard to accept that our loving God
has the power to eliminate suffering and yet chooses not to. It was Hebrews 5:7-8 that helped me in my
wrestling with this.” (Hebrews 5:7-8
reads “While Jesus was here on Earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a
loud cry and tears, to the one who could deliver him out of death. And God heard his prayers because of his
reverence for God. So even though Jesus
was God’s son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.”) Guthrie goes on to say “I have clung to these
verses in the lowest days of grief. In
it I see the fully human, fully God Jesus facing the Cross and crying out to
his Father, who has the power to make another way, enact another plan…but
chooses not to. And I see his submission
to that perfect plan of God, a plan that included suffering and death. It helps me to know that even as he submitted
to it, Jesus wrestled with God’s plan to redeem the world through his death on
the cross. It helps because I, too, have
wrestled with God’s plan for my life even as I sought to submit to it.”
I found that passage powerful because I, too, have been
wrestling with God’s plan for my life. I
am just having a hard time seeing the sense in AJ’s death. I have been searching for something “good” to
come out of this. I just wish things
could be different. I wish I could go
back to being naïve and thinking things like this only happen to other
people. I wish I was holding my 5 month
old baby instead of bringing balloons to his grave. I know that God is holding my heart. I know that I am His. “If anyone knows the
pain that comes from losing someone you love, GOD DOES.”
