Today is May 1st.
Only 25 days until my baby’s first birthday. It’s hard to believe it’s been almost a year.
One year later and my heart is still so
heavy and, at times, the heartache is still so raw. Yes, we are healing. Yes, we are moving forward. But there is still a very real and physical
pain in my heart. I can’t really explain
it. There are times when I think of AJ
and it just sort of feels like there is a brick on my chest and I can’t quite
catch my breath which is often followed by palpitations. I notice that they are happening more
frequently. I am sure that I am just
anxious as his birthday approaches. I
have also noticed that I am more irritable as well. I hope I don’t spend every May crabbyJ May is such a busy
month, I just don’t feel like I have the time to grieve so my tears silently
soak my pillow at night… and sometimes not so silently.
I read a book awhile back called “Empty. Living full of faith when life drains you dry”
by Cherie Hill. You know how God gives
you things just when you need them?
Well, that’s what he did with this book.
I shouldn’t be surprised since God’s timing is perfect. A part of the book talks about a great lie
that many Christians believe. I’m sure
you’ve heard the phrase “God will never give you more than you can
handle.” That’s a LIE! It is not biblical! And frankly that phrase has bothered me since
AJ was born although I couldn’t exactly put my finger on why. At times, that phrase sounds good and may even give us hope, but it
is a lie. “As you find yourself
struggling to continually believe that no matter what you face, God is never
going to allow you to deal with more than you can handle-that brings
reassurance to a spirit that is restless and hopeless.” In truth, God has NEVER said that He won’t give
us more than we can handle. “What he has
shown is, throughout history, He ALWAYS gives people MORE than they can
handle.” He gives us more than we can
handle because that’s when he shows up.
“Moses didn’t part the Red Sea on his own. Daniel should have been devoured in a lion’s
den. Who survives walking into a fiery
furnace? Goliath should have crushed
David, and Jonah should have been left for dead. The storm on the Sea of Galilee was obviously
going to drown the Disciples, and even Jesus needed help carrying His Cross.”
It is when
we are in the most need that we turn to God.
Without these situations in our life, we would never need God to show
up. We would become dependent on
ourselves and not need God. This is what
the book says about God giving us what we can handle. “If God is only giving you what you CAN handle,
You’re not learning to depend on God,
You’re not stepping out in
faith,
And your faith isn’t growing.”
I absolutely
agree with this. I know God has given me
more than I can handle! But I also know
that God is there walking beside me. I
believe that hearing the words “I’m sorry, your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat”
should have sent me over the edge.
Delivering a baby I knew I had to give back should have left me a
weeping heap. Seeing my baby’s tiny
casket being put in the ground should have killed me. But it didn’t’. I am still standing…because I walk by faith,
not by sight. I know God showed up. I
know he didn’t leave me here alone to “handle it.” I’ll end with this closing
thought from the book. “God’s goal: to bring us to a place where we realize we
can’t do it without Him. It’s about
bringing us to the Cross- as many times as it takes, so that our relationship
with Him is the wellspring of our lives.”
