I did it! I survived! I made it through year one! There were days when I was not sure that I would.
One year
ago, I thought my own heart would surely stop beating when I heard AJ’s did…but it didn’t.
I didn’t
think there was any way I could survive giving birth to a baby that I knew I
had to give back to God…but I did.I didn’t think there was any way I could physically leave my baby at the hospital and go home with empty arms…but I did.
I thought it would kill me to see his little casket put in the ground and be covered up with dirt…but it didn’t.
I didn’t think I would have the strength to get out of bed each day, knowing my son wasn’t here…but I did.
I never thought I would be picking out my headstone in my 30’s…but I did.
I never dreamed that I would be able to look at another baby again…but I have.
I never thought that one year later I would be able to stand on my own...but I am. I am still standing!
Today, May
25, 2013, we celebrated my son’s first Heavenly Birthday. It seems like such an odd thing to say. I had such a hard time deciding what to do. We tossed around throwing a big BBQ, having
our “usual’ birthday gathering, having a brunch, or doing nothing. I had decided on a brunch and my first guest
list had 23 people. Then I started to
feel a bit overwhelmed so I decided we wouldn’t really do anything. But in the end, I had a small brunch. I invited those ladies who have been so
encouraging this past year. (And seven
guests sounded manageable). I was
talking with one of these lovely ladies earlier in the week and I was telling
her how I just couldn’t decide what I wanted to do and that maybe we should
just forget it. She wisely said to me
“Well, you just have to do something or it will just be a sad day.” She was right!
One year
later and we are still so blessed by people.
It warmed my heart that people donated money in AJ’s memory to Now I Lay
Me Down to Sleep, to the Gideons, and to Life 96.5 (our absolute favorite radio station). We received flowers, jewelry, and beautiful
decorations for AJ’s garden. We were also
blessed by so many people who sent cards, texts, Facebook posts and messages. It is humbling to know that so many people
are still thinking of us.
I am still so in love with that little boy! He will always have a piece of my heart with him. I miss him and still think about him constantly. I can't wait to see him again! I will leave you with a quote that I received with one of my gifts that I think is very appropriate today.
