We survived our second Holiday season with out AJ. I used to look forward to the Holiday season, now I wish I could sleep from Halloween to New Years. This season had some surprisingly sweet moments, many bittersweet moments, and some unbelievably harsh moments. This is a picture of AJ's grave on Christmas Eve. We always make an ice ring and light a candle for him on Christmas Eve.Nearly every year our family puts together a Christmas shoe box for Operation Christmas Child thru Samaritans Purse. This year I thought it would be fun to do a box for a child similar to AJ's age so we picked a boy age 2-4 years (the youngest available). I was naïve to think it would be fun. I have avoided the "baby" aisle for a long time. Alexa used to wonder in there and pick up baby toys and say "AJ would have loved this." It would just break my heart so I've tried to just avoid them . As I walked through the aisle looking for a car or truck, I couldn't help but notice all the cool toys and think about how much fun it would be to see AJ open them on Christmas morning. To be honest, I thought I was going to be physically sick. My hands were sweaty, my heart was racing and I thought I might hyperventilate. I left the toys and went to hang out in the cleaning supplies until I regained my composure. I did it... but it was hard. I might pick a girl next year.
Since we lost AJ, I have no desire to "celebrate." It takes everything I have to put on my "happy" face and leave the house. I go because I feel I owe it to my 4 living children who really enjoy their cousins. If it were just John and I, we would probably never attend another holiday function. They are awkward and disappointing beyond belief.
We were extremely blessed by one family this season. On Christmas Eve, John and I were having our usual "we should just stay home" conversation while we were opening the mail. We opened a Christmas card that read "A dairy goat has been donated to a family in need in memory of AJ Pulse" through world vision. This was by far the best gift we received this year and the highlight of the Christmas season. Someone remembered my son!
Last Christmas Eve, when all the grandkids got their gifts, we received a gift of bible donations in AJ's memory but there was nothing for him this year...heartbreaking. His name was never mentioned. No one asked about him or us. It's like, for everyone else, he never existed. It's very hard not to be disappointed and I completely understand that is why we put our hope and trust in our Savior and not in the people of this world. People let us down over and over but putting our faith in Christ will never disappoint! I pray continually not to let bitterness creep into my life but right now this is my biggest challenge.
The biggest blow of the season came at my office Christmas Party. We were seated next to someone who has know us forever. We were having normal conversation when out of the blue he says "so are you guys thinking about number 5?" Talk about a punch in the gut. I didn't even know what to say. I was completely caught of guard. I am still trying to decide if he's stupid or a genuine ass. I avoided the conversation by switching the subject but I felt the burning in my heart for a long time. It made me angry that I didn't correct him on the spot but that statement just came out of left field with absolutely no warning. I did not go to the office Christmas party last year, nor will I probably go again. That was just too much for me. It has been nearly 4 weeks since I heard that remark and it still makes me want to burst into tears!
So, I am thankful to have the Holidays are behind me and I am looking forward to a new year. God is faithful and merciful and this year I am going to lean on him more and people less. God never leaves or forsakes us.
