^^Andrew's^^ Garden

On the day of Andrew's funeral, we arrived at the church to find a big display in the entry way with a bird bath, a turtle with Andrew's name on it, a beautiful stone and some plants.  I had no idea where it came from or what it was for, but it was beautiful.  After the funeral, we were told that it was a gift of a "Memorial Garden" from John's siblings.  They took all the pieces back home and told us that when we were ready, they would bring them over to our house.

For a few weeks prior to Andrew's birth, we had been talking about replacing our plastic edging with a stamped concrete curb and had been getting some prices.  After his death, we were trying to decide if this was the right time since now we had other unexpected expenses.  We decided to just have it done and it turned out beautiful.  The following week, John's sister, Christy brought out most of the pieces and we put up the bird bath and planted the plants.  We were still waiting for the last piece...the stone with Andrew's name engraved on it.  Christy was able to get the stone finished and ran it out to our house on the evening of July 3rd.  It was perfect and beautiful, even sweeter than I imagined.

Sometimes I will just sit out there and trace the letters of his name with my finger.  I miss him more with each passing day. 

His rose bushes are beautiful, too.  Today they are covered in pretty little red roses.  I spend time out there every night watering and weeding and just thinking about my beautiful baby boy...thinking about what could have been...what life would be like with him here...wondering if the pain of missing him will ever go away...but mostly I think about how blessed I am to be the mother of someone so perfect...to never have been touched by sin...to already be standing in the presence of God.  He is such a lucky boy and John and I have been so very blessed to be his parents, even if our time with him was brief.

Here are some more pictures of  ^^Andrew's^^ Garden. 

John and I purchased the little angel and the dragonfly. When we were in the hospital, they used the symbol of the dragon fly on our door to let any staff that came into our room know that we had lost a baby. They shared the story with us and since then I have bought the kids a book called "Waterbugs and Dragonflies." In short, the story talks about how dragonflies start as waterbugs. They scurry around the bottom of the pond and one day they will crawl up the stem of a pond lily and go above the surface of the water. Once that happens they grow wings and they cannot return to the water. Even if they could return, no one would recognize them in their new bodies. The waterbugs will have to wait until they become dragonflies to see their loved ones and then they will understand. So...I guess, I am a waterbug and Andrew is my dragonfly. So, I can no longer see a dragonfly without thinking of my precious son. 

Thank you God for the memories I do have of my son!

Scared or Fearless?

I have been thinking really hard over these past 6 weeks about what lessons can be taken away from AJ's death.  My first thought was that now I am fearless.  I have lost a child...and what can be scarier than that.  I thought that nothing could scare me, that I have been through the worst.  That anything anyone does to me or says about me cannot compare to hell I have been feeling.  I'm not afraid at all of dying, in fact, I can't wait.  It's the first time I've been thankful for my "bad genes."  So what is there to fear....?

In the middle of the night on the 3rd of July, Alexa woke up with a really croupy cough.  We watched her struggle to breathe and watched her little chest heave up and down.  We were trying to decide if we should take her to the ER or not.  Luckily, I had some left over Albuterol in the cupboard so we gave her a nebulizer treatment and took her into the super cold basement and she seemed to do better.  While she was struggling to breath, John and I didn't have to say a word.  We both had tears in our eyes and knew exactly what the other one was thinking..."we couldn't survive losing another child." 

I took the kids to the swimming pool today.  I, being 6 weeks postpartum, haven't had the nerve to put a swim suit on yet.  So I sit on the side of the pool and watch the kids swim.  Lexi was out toward the middle of the first pool and she lost her footing and went under water.  I couldn't reach her.  She was only under for a few seconds, but I think my heart stopped.  I wanted to snatch her up and take her straight home.  I wanted to hold her and never let go.  Now when Isaak rides his motorcycle, I hold my breath and hope nothing goes wrong.  When the kids ride with someone else, my head fills with all kinds of scenarios that could happen.

So...I am not fearless....I am more scared than ever.  Scared that something will happen to one of my other children.   I am trying not to be a worry wort...but it's hard.  An innocence has been taken from me.  I've always known the life was precious, but I have a new view on how fragile it is.  No one should know how much it hurts to bury a child.  It's not natural...

"Cast your burdens upon the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."  Ps. 56:22