Scared or Fearless?

I have been thinking really hard over these past 6 weeks about what lessons can be taken away from AJ's death.  My first thought was that now I am fearless.  I have lost a child...and what can be scarier than that.  I thought that nothing could scare me, that I have been through the worst.  That anything anyone does to me or says about me cannot compare to hell I have been feeling.  I'm not afraid at all of dying, in fact, I can't wait.  It's the first time I've been thankful for my "bad genes."  So what is there to fear....?

In the middle of the night on the 3rd of July, Alexa woke up with a really croupy cough.  We watched her struggle to breathe and watched her little chest heave up and down.  We were trying to decide if we should take her to the ER or not.  Luckily, I had some left over Albuterol in the cupboard so we gave her a nebulizer treatment and took her into the super cold basement and she seemed to do better.  While she was struggling to breath, John and I didn't have to say a word.  We both had tears in our eyes and knew exactly what the other one was thinking..."we couldn't survive losing another child." 

I took the kids to the swimming pool today.  I, being 6 weeks postpartum, haven't had the nerve to put a swim suit on yet.  So I sit on the side of the pool and watch the kids swim.  Lexi was out toward the middle of the first pool and she lost her footing and went under water.  I couldn't reach her.  She was only under for a few seconds, but I think my heart stopped.  I wanted to snatch her up and take her straight home.  I wanted to hold her and never let go.  Now when Isaak rides his motorcycle, I hold my breath and hope nothing goes wrong.  When the kids ride with someone else, my head fills with all kinds of scenarios that could happen.

So...I am not fearless....I am more scared than ever.  Scared that something will happen to one of my other children.   I am trying not to be a worry wort...but it's hard.  An innocence has been taken from me.  I've always known the life was precious, but I have a new view on how fragile it is.  No one should know how much it hurts to bury a child.  It's not natural...

"Cast your burdens upon the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."  Ps. 56:22