Running...

I was visiting with a mom the other day that had also lost a child.   She was talking about some of the insensitive things that other people had said to her when she lost her baby.  I told her I couldn't think of anything offensive that anyone had said to me...and then I couldn't help but laugh...because I really haven't been anywhere.

Since Andrew died, I have really limited my exposure to people.  I don't know why.  I guess I am afraid that someone will say something and I will burst into tears.  I "pay at the pump" when I get gas.  I don't answer my phone unless I recognize the number.  I run through the store, only picking up a few necessities - usually buns and milk- and I always bring the kids with me.  I think they act as a buffer.  Who is going to tell me how terribly sorry they are in front of 4 kids?  I never make eye contact...I walk fast...like I'm on a mission.  I now do my major grocery shopping out of town.  For several weeks, we had so much food, I didn't need to go to the store.  Now it's time to get back to the real world.  I'm just not quite ready to take it head on.

I'm almost embarrassed to share this story.  Yesterday, I stopped on the side of the post office, jumped out of my vehicle and walked to the blue box to put my house payment in.  After dropping it in, I noticed one of my classmates mothers walking toward the mailbox.  She was probably 12 steps away.  I turned around and ran back to my car.  Even while I was doing it, I was thinking how ridiculous I am.  I just wanted to feel safe...in my comfort zone.  Ridiculous, I know!  I feel at least there is hope for me.  I'm running away and I know it...I'm not denying that I'm crazy.  That's a start!

The only other place I have really gone is church.  I love our church family.  I am so thankful for the ladies in my bible study that I know are continuing to pray for us.  We have found much encouragement through our church family...but it is by no means easy to show up there every Sunday either.   I am thankful I have four other children or I probably wouldn't get out of my bed in the morning;)  They are a blessing but it doesn't make losing Andrew any easier.