I have decided to start a blog...because our life has been so interesting lately...maybe interesting isn't the right word:( There are just so many things I would like to say...but can't. I want everyone to remember my precious and beautiful son, AJ but I can barely utter his name without tears. I hope this becomes easier as time passes. It's hard to honor him without being able to say his name. Anyway, I have titled our blog "Walking by Faith" because right now that's all I have. It would be impossible to get out of bed in the morning without the faith in knowing that someday I will see my little Andrew again. I recently read in a book this sentence that has stuck with me. "If by choosing to follow Jesus, people were exempt from the trials of this life along with the heartbreak and pain they bring, no one would choose Him for Him." Pretty powerful stuff, huh? It went on to say "One of the reasons God allows us to suffer along with this fallen world is to ensure that our love for Him is genuine, but that isn't the only reason. Another reason is that He loves this fallen world and wants us to be effective in our ministry to it." We have already seen little "miracles" because of our sweet AJ, of course I would rather have him here, but that is not the walk we are on.
Today AJ should be one month old. I can't even believe a whole month has passed. I can still remember every detail like it was yesterday. The scenes from those few days play over and over in my mind like I'm watching them on a movie screen. Sort of like I'm watching someone else's story. Certain days of the week are emotional for me. Every Thursday I think "2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago on this day, I found out my baby didn't have a heartbeat." Every Friday I think "2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago I delivered AJ." Every Saturday I think "2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago I left my baby at the hospital and went home with empty arms." And every Monday I think "2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago I buried my son." I hope I quit doing that too. It is just so hard because life keeps going on and it sort of seems like we're stuck here...and I'm not quite sure where "here" is...but it hurts.
I have been trying really hard not to question God. I have never said "why me?" because I can just hear God saying "why not you?" I have tried to stay away from the "what if's" because I know that I could drive myself crazy. Whenever I start to go there...I stop and pray...because the last thing I need is for the devil to get a foothold. I know God is walking with me. I can feel it...but it doesn't make me miss my AJ any less. Actually, as time has passed, I miss him more. I didn't know that would be possible and we've been a little unprepared for that. I really figured as time passed, we would feel a little better each day. I can honestly say that after one month I feel worse. It is an actual physical pain. It is indescribable...sort of like a knot in my stomach or sometimes like a brick on my chest but always like an emptiness in my heart.
I noticed as I write this, I sometimes call him AJ and sometimes Andrew. You will have to bear with me. Those of you that walked through this pregnancy with me know that we had zero names for a baby boy. In fact, we joked that if we had a boy we probably wouldn't name him for a week or so as we were going to "test drive" some names on him since we couldn't agree on any. When we had our ultrasound that determined he didn't have a heartbeat, I also had them check the gender. "It's a boy!" We laid awake all night that night trying to pick a name. I figured we wouldn't be in any shape to pick one after he was born. I think John would have let me name him anything I wanted but I thought it should be something "special" not the cutest or trendiest name. I wanted it to be perfect because this is the only thing we really get to give him...a name. In the wee hours of the morning, John suggested that we use our initials (A from Angie and J from John) and name him AJ. I loved it but thought he should have a "real name" not just a set of initials. We narrowed it down to Andrew or Anthony. We have a great nephew named Anthony so we went with Andrew...Andrew John. I think it's perfect:)
So as I sit here tonight and ponder where we go from here, I will leave you with this quote I read on facebook..."God has a perfect plan for us. He never does it all at once just step by step because he wants to teach us to "Walk by Faith" not by sight."
"For we walk by Faith not by sight" 2 Corinthian 5:7
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