Lost Dreams

Today is September 25, 2013 and my heart aches for my son who should be turning 16 months today.  I wish I could put into words how it feels...but I can't.  I really thought that getting through that first year would be the toughest...but it's not.  I thought maybe I would feel some sense of "closure" after celebrating his first birthday...like maybe life would feel a little more "normal" again...but it doesn't.  In fact, sometimes I feel worse.  I think, in the back of my mind, I was hoping to forget a little bit but I see him everyday.  My heart aches for him all the time.  And, just to be clear, I don't EVER want to forget my son...just some of the hurt.  I guess after one year, I hoped it would hurt less. 

Perhaps some of my hurt comes from my perceived expectations of others.  I feel like there is a sense of relief from others that this first year is over.  Like AJ is now in the past.  We don't have to talk about him anymore or be as "gentle" with me.  Like my grieving period is over and it's time to resume life as usual.  Again, this is my perception and perhaps it's skewed.  I don't even know what I want from other people.  I just don't want them to forget.  I have a 5th child.  A son.  His name is AJ.  I labored and gave birth to him.  I held him in my arms.  I kissed his little head.  I didn't want to give him back.

Every month leading up to AJ's first birthday, we went to the cemetery and did something special.  I spent many hours planning his party.  And when it was over, it seemed like there was nothing left to do.  The two months following his birthday where nearly unbearable.  August and September have been extremely busy which I think just keeps my mind busy and there is less time to think.  Some times the quietness hurts so much that I have to find some project to work on.

I believe that people genuinely try understand my sadness and I am thankful for that.  What I think people don't understand is that when you lose a baby....you lose all your dreams for that child.  I carried him for 37 1/2 weeks.  I had plans for this boy.  For this child I prayed.  When I brought Alexa to her first day of kindergarten, I went back out to my car and cried...not because I was dropping my baby girl off for her first day of school but because I knew that I would never get to take AJ to his first day of kindergarten.  How do you explain that to anyone?  I didn't just lose a son, I lost all my dreams for him, too.

We are still walking by faith...because we know we can't do this alone.