Another Christmas....

We survived our second Holiday season with out AJ.  I used to look forward to the Holiday season, now I wish I could sleep from Halloween to New Years.  This season had some surprisingly sweet moments, many bittersweet moments, and some unbelievably harsh moments.  This is a picture of AJ's grave on Christmas Eve.  We always make an ice ring and light a candle for him on Christmas Eve.

Nearly every year our family puts together a Christmas shoe box for Operation Christmas Child thru Samaritans Purse.  This year I thought it would be fun to do a box for a child similar to AJ's age so we picked a boy age 2-4 years (the youngest available).  I was naïve to think it would be fun.  I have avoided the "baby" aisle for a long time.  Alexa used to wonder in there and pick up baby toys and say "AJ would have loved this."  It would just break my heart so I've tried to just avoid them .  As I walked through the aisle looking for a car or truck, I couldn't help but notice all the cool toys and think about how much fun it would be to see AJ open them on Christmas morning.  To be honest, I thought I was going to be physically sick.  My hands were sweaty, my heart was racing and I thought I might hyperventilate.  I left the toys and went to hang out in the cleaning supplies until I regained my composure.  I did it... but it was hard.  I might pick a girl next year.

Since we lost AJ, I have no desire to "celebrate."  It takes everything I have to put on my "happy" face and leave the house.  I go because I feel I owe it to my 4 living children who really enjoy their cousins.  If it were just John and I, we would probably never attend another holiday function.  They are awkward and disappointing beyond belief.

We were extremely blessed by one family this season.  On Christmas Eve, John and I were having our usual "we should just stay home" conversation while we were opening the mail.  We opened a Christmas card that read "A dairy goat has been donated to a family in need in memory of AJ Pulse" through world vision.  This was by far the best gift we received this year and the highlight of the Christmas season.  Someone remembered my son!

Last Christmas Eve, when all the grandkids got their gifts, we received a gift of bible donations in AJ's memory but there was nothing for him this year...heartbreaking.  His name was never mentioned.  No one asked about him or us.  It's like, for everyone else, he never existed.  It's very hard not to be disappointed and I completely understand that is why we put our hope and trust in our Savior and not in the people of this world.  People let us down over and over but putting our faith in Christ will never disappoint!  I pray continually not to let bitterness creep into my life but right now this is my biggest challenge.

The biggest blow of the season came at my office Christmas Party.  We were seated next to someone who has know us forever.  We were having normal conversation when out of the blue he says "so are you guys thinking about number 5?"  Talk about a punch in the gut.  I didn't even know what to say.  I was completely caught of guard.  I am still trying to decide if he's stupid or a genuine ass.  I avoided the conversation by switching the subject but I felt the burning in my heart for a long time.  It made me angry that I didn't correct him on the spot but that statement just came out of left field with absolutely no warning.  I did not go to the office Christmas party last year, nor will I probably go again.  That was just too much for me.  It has been nearly 4 weeks since I heard that remark and it still makes me want to burst into tears!

So, I am thankful to have the Holidays are behind me and I am looking forward to a new year.  God is faithful and merciful and this year I am going to lean on him more and people less.  God never leaves or forsakes us.

It would Kill Me...Really?

This post has been on my heart for awhile now.  I read a lot of blogs created by other bereaved moms.  There is some comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this journey.   It seems like every blog has at least one post on "what NOT to say to a bereaved mother."  Some examples are "you can always have more children, be thankful for the children you have, time heals all wounds and God needed another angel" (I have a beef with this one too, but I address that some other day).  In truth, most of those don't bother me.  In fact, when a 70 something woman from our church told me I should have another baby because it would make me feel better, it made me laugh out loud.  I told her that I was already 37 years old and she just replied "who cares."  Love her!

However, there is one comment that drives me absolutely crazy.  It goes something like this "You are so strong.  If my child died, it would just kill me."  Really?  This is probably meant as a compliment--the part about being strong anyway.  When someone says "If my child died, it would kill me," I hear "you must not have loved your child as much as I love mine because you didn't die."  Well, guess what folks... if your child dies, you won't!!!  You WISH you would.  You sometimes feel like you might.  But you don't!  Instead you carry a constant and miserable heaviness in your heart.  A piece of me did die that die.  That is undeniable, but it didn't kill me.  I am still breathing.  I still wake up every morning whether I want to or not.  I am still expected to get dressed and take care of my motherly duties, pay my bill and participate fully in life.  The sad truth is, the world does not stop for your intense pain.  After a short period of time, life is back to "business as usual" whether you want to participate or not.  I loved that little boy with my whole heart.  I had plans for him.  He was already very much a part of our family.  My point is... AJ was loved... no less than you love your children.  Here is a harsh but true statement:  I hope you never lose a child, but if you do, know that it will not literally kill you.

For those of you who label me "strong," my strength has nothing to do with me.  I am abosolutely and  completely dependent on my Heavenly Father.  The one who counts every hair on my head (Mat 10:30) and keeps all my tears in a bottle(Ps 56:8). My God who heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds(Ps. 147:3).  My God who promises to be close to the brokenhearted and save those crushed in spirit(Ps 34:18).  My God who promises he is always with me and will never leave or forsake me (Deut 31:6)  My God who says his Grace is sufficient and His power works best in weakness (2 Cor 12:9).  And my God who says he will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born(Is 66:9)  God is where my strength comes from.  I know God uses brokenness to serve his purpose and it is my prayer that he uses me...and AJ...to accomplish his plan.

The dreaded question...

This was originally written in October of 2012.  I'm not sure why I left it in the "drafts" for so long.

This has been a pretty rotten week for me.  I celebrated my first birthday without AJ on October 5th.  It's hard to get too excited about anything when my heart is so broken.  I could tell John's heart wasn't in it either.  I have made peace with getting older.  Every day I complete here on Earth is one day closer to my eternal Home.  And I am really looking forward to going Home.  Last year on the day after my birthday, I discovered that I was pregnant with AJ.  What a gift!  I never dreamed that one year later, I would be missing him for 134 days.  I know that God has a perfect plan, but I sure wish I could understand it because it doesn't feel perfect to me.

Today I had one of my biggest fears realized.  I went to they eye doctor and he asked me how many kids I have.  I thought about it for while and answered 4 (because I was pretty sure I couldn't make it through a conversation about #5).  The he said to me "Boy, it took you awhile to answer that.  Did you have to count them?"  I politely smiled and said "yeah."  In reality, I didn't know how to explain it.  Then he asked me their ages.  Talk about a knife in my heart!  I have thought about this question a lot hoping that no one would ever ask me.  Obviously I haven't come up with an answer yet.  I mean really, what do you say?  I have 5 children.  Their ages are 11, 8, 8, 4, and dead.  Awkward!!!  There was absolutely no way I could have this conversation without bursting into tears and I doubt that is what the eye doctor wanted to deal with today.  I almost answered "no comment" but I thought he might find that odd too.  So, I have spent a good chunk of the last week in tears.  I am hoping tomorrow is better...there's always tomorrow.

A similar event happened a few months ago.  I was in the mall with my kids just walking down the corridor on a not-so-busy day when an older gentlemen walks over to me and says "Gee, you almost have a whole basketball team."  If you could count the child I carry in my heart, I would have a whole team.  I politely answered "almost."  I can only imagine the uncomfortable look I would get if I said "Yeah, too bad my son died.  I would have a whole team."

On a bright note, we took family pictures this week with the same photographer that took AJ's pictures at the hospital.  In some weird way, it was healing.  It was good to be with her.  Other than our kids, parents, hospital staff, and the funeral director, she is the only other person who saw and touched my son.  She was there.  She knows he is real.  She has such a kind spirit.  She saw us at our lowest and know she has seen us in a much better place.  We chose to use her because we wanted to somehow honor AJ in our pictures and I knew I wouldn't have to explain it to her.  By now, I'm sure you've all figured out that it is hard for me to talk about AJ.  I love to talk about him...but I still have a hard time doing it without tears.

Lost Dreams

Today is September 25, 2013 and my heart aches for my son who should be turning 16 months today.  I wish I could put into words how it feels...but I can't.  I really thought that getting through that first year would be the toughest...but it's not.  I thought maybe I would feel some sense of "closure" after celebrating his first birthday...like maybe life would feel a little more "normal" again...but it doesn't.  In fact, sometimes I feel worse.  I think, in the back of my mind, I was hoping to forget a little bit but I see him everyday.  My heart aches for him all the time.  And, just to be clear, I don't EVER want to forget my son...just some of the hurt.  I guess after one year, I hoped it would hurt less. 

Perhaps some of my hurt comes from my perceived expectations of others.  I feel like there is a sense of relief from others that this first year is over.  Like AJ is now in the past.  We don't have to talk about him anymore or be as "gentle" with me.  Like my grieving period is over and it's time to resume life as usual.  Again, this is my perception and perhaps it's skewed.  I don't even know what I want from other people.  I just don't want them to forget.  I have a 5th child.  A son.  His name is AJ.  I labored and gave birth to him.  I held him in my arms.  I kissed his little head.  I didn't want to give him back.

Every month leading up to AJ's first birthday, we went to the cemetery and did something special.  I spent many hours planning his party.  And when it was over, it seemed like there was nothing left to do.  The two months following his birthday where nearly unbearable.  August and September have been extremely busy which I think just keeps my mind busy and there is less time to think.  Some times the quietness hurts so much that I have to find some project to work on.

I believe that people genuinely try understand my sadness and I am thankful for that.  What I think people don't understand is that when you lose a baby....you lose all your dreams for that child.  I carried him for 37 1/2 weeks.  I had plans for this boy.  For this child I prayed.  When I brought Alexa to her first day of kindergarten, I went back out to my car and cried...not because I was dropping my baby girl off for her first day of school but because I knew that I would never get to take AJ to his first day of kindergarten.  How do you explain that to anyone?  I didn't just lose a son, I lost all my dreams for him, too.

We are still walking by faith...because we know we can't do this alone.

AJ's 1st Heavenly Birthday

Originally written on AJ's first Birthday - May 25, 2013

I did it!  I survived!  I made it through year one!  There were days when I was not sure that I would.

One year ago, I thought my own heart would surely stop beating when I heard AJ’s did…but it didn’t.

I didn’t think there was any way I could survive giving birth to a baby that I knew I had to give back to God…but I did.
I didn’t think there was any way I could physically leave my baby at the hospital and go home with empty arms…but I did.
I thought it would kill me to see his little casket put in the ground and be covered up with dirt…but it didn’t.
I didn’t think I would have the strength to get out of bed each day, knowing my son wasn’t here…but I did.
I never thought I would be picking out my headstone in my 30’s…but I did.
I never dreamed that I would be able to look at another baby again…but I have.
I never thought that one year later I would be able to stand on my own...but I am.  I am still standing!

Today, May 25, 2013, we celebrated my son’s first Heavenly Birthday.  It seems like such an odd thing to say.  I had such a hard time deciding what to do.  We tossed around throwing a big BBQ, having our “usual’ birthday gathering, having a brunch, or doing nothing.  I had decided on a brunch and my first guest list had 23 people.  Then I started to feel a bit overwhelmed so I decided we wouldn’t really do anything.  But in the end, I had a small brunch.  I invited those ladies who have been so encouraging this past year.  (And seven guests sounded manageable).  I was talking with one of these lovely ladies earlier in the week and I was telling her how I just couldn’t decide what I wanted to do and that maybe we should just forget it.  She wisely said to me “Well, you just have to do something or it will just be a sad day.”  She was right!

One year later and we are still so blessed by people.   It warmed my heart that people donated money in AJ’s memory to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, to the Gideons, and to Life 96.5 (our absolute favorite radio station).  We received flowers, jewelry, and beautiful decorations for AJ’s garden.  We were also blessed by so many people who sent cards, texts, Facebook posts and messages.  It is humbling to know that so many people are still thinking of us. 

I am still so in love with that little boy!  He will always have a piece of my heart with him.  I miss him and still think about him constantly.  I can't wait to see him again!  I will leave you with a quote that I received with one of my gifts that I think is very appropriate today.

 

“The amount of time on earth matters little:  a man can live in greed and pride 90 years and never find God, know Him, or accomplish His Plan.  A stillborn baby, on the other hand, teaches people to love, brings people to the Lord, teaches us the tenuous nature of life and teaches us a faith that those who have not suffered loss can never know.  A child not even breathing for an hour can have an impact greater than a famous preacher.  The purpose of a life is not ours to decide nor in our hands:  it is brought about by God.”  Author Unknown.

Today is May 1st

This really was written on May 1st.  :)

Today is May 1^st.  Only 25 days until my baby’s first birthday.  It’s hard to believe it’s been almost a year.  One year later and my heart is still so heavy and, at times, the heartache is still so raw.  Yes, we are healing.  Yes, we are moving forward.  But there is still a very real and physical pain in my heart.  I can’t really explain it.  There are times when I think of AJ and it just sort of feels like there is a brick on my chest and I can’t quite catch my breath which is often followed by palpitations.  I notice that they are happening more frequently.  I am sure that I am just anxious as his birthday approaches.  I have also noticed that I am more irritable as well.  I hope I don’t spend every May crabbyJ May is such a busy month, I just don’t feel like I have the time to grieve so my tears silently soak my pillow at night… and sometimes not so silently.

I read a book awhile back called “Empty.  Living full of faith when life drains you dry” by Cherie Hill.  You know how God gives you things just when you need them?  Well, that’s what he did with this book.  I shouldn’t be surprised since God’s timing is perfect.  A part of the book talks about a great lie that many Christians believe.  I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “God will never give you more than you can handle.”  That’s a LIE!  It is not biblical!  And frankly that phrase has bothered me since AJ was born although I couldn’t exactly put my finger on why.  At times, that phrase  sounds good and may even give us hope, but it is a lie.  “As you find yourself struggling to continually believe that no matter what you face, God is never going to allow you to deal with more than you can handle-that brings reassurance to a spirit that is restless and hopeless.”  In truth, God has NEVER said that He won’t give us more than we can handle.  “What he has shown is, throughout history, He ALWAYS gives people MORE than they can handle.”  He gives us more than we can handle because that’s when he shows up.  “Moses didn’t part the Red Sea on his own.  Daniel should have been devoured in a lion’s den.  Who survives walking into a fiery furnace?  Goliath should have crushed David, and Jonah should have been left for dead.  The storm on the Sea of Galilee was obviously going to drown the Disciples, and even Jesus needed help carrying His Cross.”

It is when we are in the most need that we turn to God.  Without these situations in our life, we would never need God to show up.  We would become dependent on ourselves and not need God.  This is what the book says about God giving us what we can handle.  “If God is only giving you what you CAN handle,

You’re not learning to depend on God,

                You’re not stepping out in faith,

                And your faith isn’t growing.”

I absolutely agree with this.  I know God has given me more than I can handle!  But I also know that God is there walking beside me.  I believe that hearing the words “I’m sorry, your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat” should have sent me over the edge.  Delivering a baby I knew I had to give back should have left me a weeping heap.  Seeing my baby’s tiny casket being put in the ground should have killed me.  But it didn’t’.  I am still standing…because I walk by faith, not by sight.  I know God showed up. I know he didn’t leave me here alone to “handle it.” I’ll end with this closing thought from the book.  “God’s goal:  to bring us to a place where we realize we can’t do it without Him.  It’s about bringing us to the Cross- as many times as it takes, so that our relationship with Him is the wellspring of our lives.”

Easter

This was written on March 31, 2013 - Easter day.

It is Easter.  I knew this would be a hard holiday for me.  Mainly because I found the scripture surrounding the death of Jesus to be some of the most comforting after I lost AJ.  I know I have written about that in a previous blog so I won’t rehash it all again.  But to know that God also lost a son and knows firsthand what I am feeling is comforting.  It was hard enough to see my son born breathless; I can’t even imagine watching him be crucified on a cross. 

There was a dedication at church today.  There were six other babies born in our church this summer and I managed to miss all of their dedications just by coincidence (I only actually knew about one of them in advance.)  By the way, I think it should be mandatory to put dedications/baptisms/ect in the bulletin.  Our previous church always had them listed in the coming events and I miss that, but that’s another story.  Anyway, the other dedications just happened to fall on weekends I (or one of the kids) were sick or we were out of town.  I truly believe that was a gift from God.  I remember that Blake came home one Sunday and he said “Mom, you’re probably glad you didn’t go to church today.  There was a baby dedicated.”  He is so thoughtful.  Today, a guest had their baby dedicated.  I wasn’t expecting that!  At first I wanted to run away screaming…but by then end, it was okay.  I am getting pretty good at keeping the tears in check, although sometimes they just come rolling out without any notice.   I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear anything the rest of the service.  I checked out when I had to see all the joyful smiles associated with a dedication.  I had already been planning AJ’s dedication, but instead, I got to plan a funeral.

The first thing I did when we got home from church was open a bottle of wine.  John looked at me a little funny but hey…it was almost noon…and after the baby dedication and knowing I had to go “celebrate” Easter with family; it was almost more than I could bear.  Every holiday I tell John that I wish we could just stay home.  He says “let’s do it.”  Yet, I somehow feel obligated to go on as if life is normal.  If it were just John and I, we would probably never attend another family function, but we do it for the kids.  Ugghh!

In the end, we survived.  I would have preferred to sleep thru Easter but I am so very thankful that Christ died on the cross for me.  “Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.  Because He lives, all fear is gone.  Because I know He holds the future.  And life is worth the living just because He lives.”