Easter

This was written on March 31, 2013 - Easter day.

It is Easter.  I knew this would be a hard holiday for me.  Mainly because I found the scripture surrounding the death of Jesus to be some of the most comforting after I lost AJ.  I know I have written about that in a previous blog so I won’t rehash it all again.  But to know that God also lost a son and knows firsthand what I am feeling is comforting.  It was hard enough to see my son born breathless; I can’t even imagine watching him be crucified on a cross. 

There was a dedication at church today.  There were six other babies born in our church this summer and I managed to miss all of their dedications just by coincidence (I only actually knew about one of them in advance.)  By the way, I think it should be mandatory to put dedications/baptisms/ect in the bulletin.  Our previous church always had them listed in the coming events and I miss that, but that’s another story.  Anyway, the other dedications just happened to fall on weekends I (or one of the kids) were sick or we were out of town.  I truly believe that was a gift from God.  I remember that Blake came home one Sunday and he said “Mom, you’re probably glad you didn’t go to church today.  There was a baby dedicated.”  He is so thoughtful.  Today, a guest had their baby dedicated.  I wasn’t expecting that!  At first I wanted to run away screaming…but by then end, it was okay.  I am getting pretty good at keeping the tears in check, although sometimes they just come rolling out without any notice.   I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear anything the rest of the service.  I checked out when I had to see all the joyful smiles associated with a dedication.  I had already been planning AJ’s dedication, but instead, I got to plan a funeral.

The first thing I did when we got home from church was open a bottle of wine.  John looked at me a little funny but hey…it was almost noon…and after the baby dedication and knowing I had to go “celebrate” Easter with family; it was almost more than I could bear.  Every holiday I tell John that I wish we could just stay home.  He says “let’s do it.”  Yet, I somehow feel obligated to go on as if life is normal.  If it were just John and I, we would probably never attend another family function, but we do it for the kids.  Ugghh!

In the end, we survived.  I would have preferred to sleep thru Easter but I am so very thankful that Christ died on the cross for me.  “Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.  Because He lives, all fear is gone.  Because I know He holds the future.  And life is worth the living just because He lives.”