10 months…I can even hardly believe that it has been that 10
months since I have had to say hello and goodbye to my baby boy. We went to the cemetery tonight, like we
always do on the 25th. We let
10 message filled balloons go. We
haven’t let balloons go in a few months because it has been so cold. During those cold winter months we put
beautiful ice rings at the cemetery with a lit candle in the middle. They were beautiful. I love to remember him!
This is a picture of the lite candle ice ring on Christmas Eve. It was so beautiful and peaceful in the cemetery that night.
I am soooo very sad that he is not here with me…but I am
sooooo happy that he is in Heaven with our Savior. I am terribly heartbroken….but God promises
to bind up our wounds (Psalm 147:3). I
am incredibly lonely….yet God has blessed me with very dear friends, old and
new. So, you can see I am still a ball
of emotions. Some days are better than
others. I am not sure that people
realize that I am thinking about AJ all
the time. He’s not just a
fleeting thought every so often. He is
my first thought in the morning…he is my last thought before I go to bed…and
there are 100’s, if not 1,000’s, of thoughts of him in between. I think about the day we were told he didn’t
have heartbeat and the day I delivered him.
I think about how I had to leave the hospital without him and come home
to an empty cradle and a new car seat that I will never use for him. I think about his little body in the tiny
casket and my husband carrying that casket from the church to the
cemetery. I think about my pregnancy and
how he used to be such a kicker and mover.
I think about how I was so looking forward to his dedication and
instead, I got to plan a funeral. I
think about how overwhelmed we were by all the cards, gifts, and kind words. I think about how saddened we were by others
who seemed to not acknowledge AJ at all.
And then I think about what our lives would be like with a baby. Our lives are so busy and full. It would be fun to see how AJ would have fit
in. I wonder if he would be crawling. His siblings were early crawlers. I wonder if he would have been a daddy’s boy. Alexa was such a mommy’s girl. I wonder if he would have kept that head full
of dark hair like Isaak or if he would have went nearly bald like Blake. I wonder if he would have been a good sleeper. We’ve never had one of those. I wonder if his eyes would be blue like
John’s or hazel, like mine. I wonder what
his personality would be like; if he would have been a laid back baby, like
Isaak or a colicky baby like Mason? And
I am sure that I will always wonder. You
see, I have so many thoughts about him.
I only had him in my arms for hours, but he will live in my mind and
heart forever. I am pretty sure, to the
world, I look “fine” but I don’t even have words to describe what it was like
to lose him and what it is like to go on without him when in your heart, all
you really want is Heaven.
There is a great quote by C.S. Lewis that says “If I find
myself with desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical
explanation is that I was made for another world.” I AM MADE FOR ANOTHER WORLD. Nothing on this Earth can satisfy my
desires! I know that loss changes a
person. I can absolutely feel that! I am
less interested in “things” and more interested in people. I often wonder how the world sees me. Do I look different to the world? I barely recognize myself anymore. I cry more.
I laugh less. I love deeper. I am hurt more easily. I am sensitive. I am more easily offended. I am an over-thinker. I am lonely, even when surrounded by people. I am distant.
I am more sympathetic. I am less judgmental. I am empathetic. I am broken.
But mostly, I am completely
dependent on the Father. Looking forward to what is to come! 
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