Easter

This was written on March 31, 2013 - Easter day.

It is Easter.  I knew this would be a hard holiday for me.  Mainly because I found the scripture surrounding the death of Jesus to be some of the most comforting after I lost AJ.  I know I have written about that in a previous blog so I won’t rehash it all again.  But to know that God also lost a son and knows firsthand what I am feeling is comforting.  It was hard enough to see my son born breathless; I can’t even imagine watching him be crucified on a cross. 

There was a dedication at church today.  There were six other babies born in our church this summer and I managed to miss all of their dedications just by coincidence (I only actually knew about one of them in advance.)  By the way, I think it should be mandatory to put dedications/baptisms/ect in the bulletin.  Our previous church always had them listed in the coming events and I miss that, but that’s another story.  Anyway, the other dedications just happened to fall on weekends I (or one of the kids) were sick or we were out of town.  I truly believe that was a gift from God.  I remember that Blake came home one Sunday and he said “Mom, you’re probably glad you didn’t go to church today.  There was a baby dedicated.”  He is so thoughtful.  Today, a guest had their baby dedicated.  I wasn’t expecting that!  At first I wanted to run away screaming…but by then end, it was okay.  I am getting pretty good at keeping the tears in check, although sometimes they just come rolling out without any notice.   I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear anything the rest of the service.  I checked out when I had to see all the joyful smiles associated with a dedication.  I had already been planning AJ’s dedication, but instead, I got to plan a funeral.

The first thing I did when we got home from church was open a bottle of wine.  John looked at me a little funny but hey…it was almost noon…and after the baby dedication and knowing I had to go “celebrate” Easter with family; it was almost more than I could bear.  Every holiday I tell John that I wish we could just stay home.  He says “let’s do it.”  Yet, I somehow feel obligated to go on as if life is normal.  If it were just John and I, we would probably never attend another family function, but we do it for the kids.  Ugghh!

In the end, we survived.  I would have preferred to sleep thru Easter but I am so very thankful that Christ died on the cross for me.  “Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.  Because He lives, all fear is gone.  Because I know He holds the future.  And life is worth the living just because He lives.”

10 Months

This was originally written on March 25, 2013.  I often write them as a rough draft and then spend some time reflecting on them before I edit and post.  And I don’t get to the blog as much as I would like.

10 months…I can even hardly believe that it has been that 10 months since I have had to say hello and goodbye to my baby boy.  We went to the cemetery tonight, like we always do on the 25^th.  We let 10 message filled balloons go.  We haven’t let balloons go in a few months because it has been so cold.  During those cold winter months we put beautiful ice rings at the cemetery with a lit candle in the middle.  They were beautiful.  I love to remember him!   

 

This is a picture of the lite candle ice ring on Christmas Eve.  It was so beautiful and peaceful in the cemetery that night.

 

I am soooo very sad that he is not here with me…but I am sooooo happy that he is in Heaven with our Savior.  I am terribly heartbroken….but God promises to bind up our wounds (Psalm 147:3).  I am incredibly lonely….yet God has blessed me with very dear friends, old and new.  So, you can see I am still a ball of emotions.  Some days are better than others.   I am not sure that people realize that I am thinking about AJ all the time.  He’s not just a fleeting thought every so often.   He is my first thought in the morning…he is my last thought before I go to bed…and there are 100’s, if not 1,000’s, of thoughts of him in between.  I think about the day we were told he didn’t have heartbeat and the day I delivered him.  I think about how I had to leave the hospital without him and come home to an empty cradle and a new car seat that I will never use for him.  I think about his little body in the tiny casket and my husband carrying that casket from the church to the cemetery.  I think about my pregnancy and how he used to be such a kicker and mover.  I think about how I was so looking forward to his dedication and instead, I got to plan a funeral.  I think about how overwhelmed we were by all the cards, gifts, and kind words.  I think about how saddened we were by others who seemed to not acknowledge AJ at all.  And then I think about what our lives would be like with a baby.  Our lives are so busy and full.  It would be fun to see how AJ would have fit in.  I wonder if he would be crawling.  His siblings were early crawlers.  I wonder if he would have been a daddy’s boy.  Alexa was such a mommy’s girl.  I wonder if he would have kept that head full of dark hair like Isaak or if he would have went nearly bald like Blake.  I wonder if he would have been a good sleeper.  We’ve never had one of those.  I wonder if his eyes would be blue like John’s or hazel, like mine.  I wonder what his personality would be like; if he would have been a laid back baby, like Isaak or a colicky baby like Mason?  And I am sure that I will always wonder.  You see, I have so many thoughts about him.  I only had him in my arms for hours, but he will live in my mind and heart forever.  I am pretty sure, to the world, I look “fine” but I don’t even have words to describe what it was like to lose him and what it is like to go on without him when in your heart, all you really want is Heaven.

There is a great quote by C.S. Lewis that says “If I find myself with desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”  I AM MADE FOR ANOTHER WORLD.  Nothing on this Earth can satisfy my desires!  I know that loss changes a person.  I can absolutely feel that! I am less interested in “things” and more interested in people.  I often wonder how the world sees me.  Do I look different to the world?  I barely recognize myself anymore.  I cry more.  I laugh less.  I love deeper.  I am hurt more easily.  I am sensitive.  I am more easily offended.  I am an over-thinker.  I am lonely, even when surrounded by people.   I am distant.  I am more sympathetic.  I am less judgmental.  I am empathetic.  I am broken.  But mostly,  I am completely dependent on the Father.  Looking forward to what is to come!