I was visiting with a mom the other day that had also lost a child. She was talking about some of the insensitive things that other people had said to her when she lost her baby. I told her I couldn't think of anything offensive that anyone had said to me...and then I couldn't help but laugh...because I really haven't been anywhere.
Since Andrew died, I have really limited my exposure to people. I don't know why. I guess I am afraid that someone will say something and I will burst into tears. I "pay at the pump" when I get gas. I don't answer my phone unless I recognize the number. I run through the store, only picking up a few necessities - usually buns and milk- and I always bring the kids with me. I think they act as a buffer. Who is going to tell me how terribly sorry they are in front of 4 kids? I never make eye contact...I walk fast...like I'm on a mission. I now do my major grocery shopping out of town. For several weeks, we had so much food, I didn't need to go to the store. Now it's time to get back to the real world. I'm just not quite ready to take it head on.
I'm almost embarrassed to share this story. Yesterday, I stopped on the side of the post office, jumped out of my vehicle and walked to the blue box to put my house payment in. After dropping it in, I noticed one of my classmates mothers walking toward the mailbox. She was probably 12 steps away. I turned around and ran back to my car. Even while I was doing it, I was thinking how ridiculous I am. I just wanted to feel safe...in my comfort zone. Ridiculous, I know! I feel at least there is hope for me. I'm running away and I know it...I'm not denying that I'm crazy. That's a start!
The only other place I have really gone is church. I love our church family. I am so thankful for the ladies in my bible study that I know are continuing to pray for us. We have found much encouragement through our church family...but it is by no means easy to show up there every Sunday either. I am thankful I have four other children or I probably wouldn't get out of my bed in the morning;) They are a blessing but it doesn't make losing Andrew any easier.
Friday, June 29, 2012
One Month in Heaven
On Monday, Andrew should have been one month old. I have spent much time trying to decide how or if milestones like this should be celebrated. If he were here with us, of course I would have dressed him up, took his picture for his album and posted it on facebook. Without him here...well what do you do? I wanted to do something that would include the kids and make them feel like they are still big brothers and sister. They were all so excited to have a new baby in the house. Of course, John and I feel a terrible loss but I also feel that loss for my children. We all had plans and dreams for him, not just me... Oh, how I wish things were different!
Anyway, I decided that we would do a balloon release every month on his "month-a-versary." We would all write him a message and send the balloon to Heaven. John liked the idea. Blake looked at me like I was crazy. Isaak said it would never work because it would probably get popped on a star before it made it to Heaven. Lexi was excited and Mason didn't really have an opinion. We let ONE balloon go for his one month anniversary in Heaven. My intentions are to let two go next month, three the next and so on. However, living in South Dakota, I'm not sure what helium balloons will do in the bitter cold of winter so I may need to adjust my plan.
We went to the cemetery and wrote our messages. The kids all let the balloon go and it headed straight for the church roof. You can imagine my relief when a gust of wind suddenly took the balloon up and lifted it out of sight. I didn't have a back up plan if it would have popped before it was out of sight. I used a baby blue colored balloon, which I thought was appropriate, but it is very hard to see in the pictures.
On Tuesday when I was putting Lexi to bed, I asked her if she thought AJ got our balloon. She quickly said "no." I thought that was odd, why would she doubt that it made it. I asked her why she thought that and she said "AJ's too small to catch a balloon." That never crossed my mind. Sometimes she is just too smart! I said that maybe someone in Heaven caught it for him and read our messages. Then she said "Mom, do you think Jesus is tall? I bet Jesus caught it and read it to him." I am sure Jesus is tall enough to catch our balloon. She is so sweet! She cries almost every day, usually at bed time, because she misses her baby brother. We all miss him!
Anyway, I decided that we would do a balloon release every month on his "month-a-versary." We would all write him a message and send the balloon to Heaven. John liked the idea. Blake looked at me like I was crazy. Isaak said it would never work because it would probably get popped on a star before it made it to Heaven. Lexi was excited and Mason didn't really have an opinion. We let ONE balloon go for his one month anniversary in Heaven. My intentions are to let two go next month, three the next and so on. However, living in South Dakota, I'm not sure what helium balloons will do in the bitter cold of winter so I may need to adjust my plan.
We went to the cemetery and wrote our messages. The kids all let the balloon go and it headed straight for the church roof. You can imagine my relief when a gust of wind suddenly took the balloon up and lifted it out of sight. I didn't have a back up plan if it would have popped before it was out of sight. I used a baby blue colored balloon, which I thought was appropriate, but it is very hard to see in the pictures.
On Tuesday when I was putting Lexi to bed, I asked her if she thought AJ got our balloon. She quickly said "no." I thought that was odd, why would she doubt that it made it. I asked her why she thought that and she said "AJ's too small to catch a balloon." That never crossed my mind. Sometimes she is just too smart! I said that maybe someone in Heaven caught it for him and read our messages. Then she said "Mom, do you think Jesus is tall? I bet Jesus caught it and read it to him." I am sure Jesus is tall enough to catch our balloon. She is so sweet! She cries almost every day, usually at bed time, because she misses her baby brother. We all miss him!
Monday, June 25, 2012
A New Blog
I have decided to start a blog...because our life has been so interesting lately...maybe interesting isn't the right word:( There are just so many things I would like to say...but can't. I want everyone to remember my precious and beautiful son, AJ but I can barely utter his name without tears. I hope this becomes easier as time passes. It's hard to honor him without being able to say his name. Anyway, I have titled our blog "Walking by Faith" because right now that's all I have. It would be impossible to get out of bed in the morning without the faith in knowing that someday I will see my little Andrew again. I recently read in a book this sentence that has stuck with me. "If by choosing to follow Jesus, people were exempt from the trials of this life along with the heartbreak and pain they bring, no one would choose Him for Him." Pretty powerful stuff, huh? It went on to say "One of the reasons God allows us to suffer along with this fallen world is to ensure that our love for Him is genuine, but that isn't the only reason. Another reason is that He loves this fallen world and wants us to be effective in our ministry to it." We have already seen little "miracles" because of our sweet AJ, of course I would rather have him here, but that is not the walk we are on.
Today AJ should be one month old. I can't even believe a whole month has passed. I can still remember every detail like it was yesterday. The scenes from those few days play over and over in my mind like I'm watching them on a movie screen. Sort of like I'm watching someone else's story. Certain days of the week are emotional for me. Every Thursday I think "2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago on this day, I found out my baby didn't have a heartbeat." Every Friday I think "2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago I delivered AJ." Every Saturday I think "2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago I left my baby at the hospital and went home with empty arms." And every Monday I think "2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago I buried my son." I hope I quit doing that too. It is just so hard because life keeps going on and it sort of seems like we're stuck here...and I'm not quite sure where "here" is...but it hurts.
I have been trying really hard not to question God. I have never said "why me?" because I can just hear God saying "why not you?" I have tried to stay away from the "what if's" because I know that I could drive myself crazy. Whenever I start to go there...I stop and pray...because the last thing I need is for the devil to get a foothold. I know God is walking with me. I can feel it...but it doesn't make me miss my AJ any less. Actually, as time has passed, I miss him more. I didn't know that would be possible and we've been a little unprepared for that. I really figured as time passed, we would feel a little better each day. I can honestly say that after one month I feel worse. It is an actual physical pain. It is indescribable...sort of like a knot in my stomach or sometimes like a brick on my chest but always like an emptiness in my heart.
I noticed as I write this, I sometimes call him AJ and sometimes Andrew. You will have to bear with me. Those of you that walked through this pregnancy with me know that we had zero names for a baby boy. In fact, we joked that if we had a boy we probably wouldn't name him for a week or so as we were going to "test drive" some names on him since we couldn't agree on any. When we had our ultrasound that determined he didn't have a heartbeat, I also had them check the gender. "It's a boy!" We laid awake all night that night trying to pick a name. I figured we wouldn't be in any shape to pick one after he was born. I think John would have let me name him anything I wanted but I thought it should be something "special" not the cutest or trendiest name. I wanted it to be perfect because this is the only thing we really get to give him...a name. In the wee hours of the morning, John suggested that we use our initials (A from Angie and J from John) and name him AJ. I loved it but thought he should have a "real name" not just a set of initials. We narrowed it down to Andrew or Anthony. We have a great nephew named Anthony so we went with Andrew...Andrew John. I think it's perfect:)
So as I sit here tonight and ponder where we go from here, I will leave you with this quote I read on facebook..."God has a perfect plan for us. He never does it all at once just step by step because he wants to teach us to "Walk by Faith" not by sight."
"For we walk by Faith not by sight" 2 Corinthian 5:7
Today AJ should be one month old. I can't even believe a whole month has passed. I can still remember every detail like it was yesterday. The scenes from those few days play over and over in my mind like I'm watching them on a movie screen. Sort of like I'm watching someone else's story. Certain days of the week are emotional for me. Every Thursday I think "2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago on this day, I found out my baby didn't have a heartbeat." Every Friday I think "2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago I delivered AJ." Every Saturday I think "2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago I left my baby at the hospital and went home with empty arms." And every Monday I think "2 or 3 or 4 weeks ago I buried my son." I hope I quit doing that too. It is just so hard because life keeps going on and it sort of seems like we're stuck here...and I'm not quite sure where "here" is...but it hurts.
I have been trying really hard not to question God. I have never said "why me?" because I can just hear God saying "why not you?" I have tried to stay away from the "what if's" because I know that I could drive myself crazy. Whenever I start to go there...I stop and pray...because the last thing I need is for the devil to get a foothold. I know God is walking with me. I can feel it...but it doesn't make me miss my AJ any less. Actually, as time has passed, I miss him more. I didn't know that would be possible and we've been a little unprepared for that. I really figured as time passed, we would feel a little better each day. I can honestly say that after one month I feel worse. It is an actual physical pain. It is indescribable...sort of like a knot in my stomach or sometimes like a brick on my chest but always like an emptiness in my heart.
I noticed as I write this, I sometimes call him AJ and sometimes Andrew. You will have to bear with me. Those of you that walked through this pregnancy with me know that we had zero names for a baby boy. In fact, we joked that if we had a boy we probably wouldn't name him for a week or so as we were going to "test drive" some names on him since we couldn't agree on any. When we had our ultrasound that determined he didn't have a heartbeat, I also had them check the gender. "It's a boy!" We laid awake all night that night trying to pick a name. I figured we wouldn't be in any shape to pick one after he was born. I think John would have let me name him anything I wanted but I thought it should be something "special" not the cutest or trendiest name. I wanted it to be perfect because this is the only thing we really get to give him...a name. In the wee hours of the morning, John suggested that we use our initials (A from Angie and J from John) and name him AJ. I loved it but thought he should have a "real name" not just a set of initials. We narrowed it down to Andrew or Anthony. We have a great nephew named Anthony so we went with Andrew...Andrew John. I think it's perfect:)
So as I sit here tonight and ponder where we go from here, I will leave you with this quote I read on facebook..."God has a perfect plan for us. He never does it all at once just step by step because he wants to teach us to "Walk by Faith" not by sight."
"For we walk by Faith not by sight" 2 Corinthian 5:7
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