No words...

Lately, I just have no words...I know, hard to believe!  I almost feel like I should apologize for my lack of words.  There just aren't words to adequately describe what I would like to say, therefore; perhaps it's better not to speak at all. 

I get e-mails, texts, facebook messages, etc from very kind people letting me know that they are thinking about me or praying for me.  I LOVE that!  But I rarely reply.  I mean really, what do you say when someone says "I'm thinking about you" or "I'm praying for you"?  Thank you hardly seems adequate.  So I say nothing... There just are not words to even begin to express what it means to me to know that people still care.  It is my hope that I do not come across as ungrateful because I feel just the opposite.  I feel blessed.  Sometimes these little messages give me hope for the day.  There is a lady at church who has sent me many "thinking of you" cards during these past few months.  She sent one when we lost AJ, and the next week, and on my due date, and again a couple weeks later, and about a month after that.  I have wrote her a thank you note but I am sure she will never fully understand what these have meant to me.  I re-read them all the time.  She was an acquaintance.  She is now a dear friend.

I also don't have words to describe how I feel.  I don't believe there is a word in the English language that can describe it...miserable...maybe.  When people ask how I am, I just answer "fine" or "okay."  I mean, what choice do I have?  I have to be okay, right?  Really...I'm sad.  Very sad in fact.  I feel alone, even when surrounded by people.  I'm heartbroken.  I don't really know what to do next...although I guess I'm already doing it...I keep moving, going forward, getting through each day.

I am a huge fan of Pinterest.  Borderline addict.  I read this on there and feel it is very accurate:

          6 Stages of Grief

          1) Sadness
          2) Overwhelming sadness
          3) Incomprehensible sadness
          4) Crippling sadness
          5) Misery and despair
          6) Accepting your never ending sadness

I think I'm at stage 3 :)

I also read this quote which I thought was really interesting...

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
 A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
 A child who loses a parent is called an orphan.
 There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That's how awful the loss is."
                  ~Ronald Regan

So, with all that being said, please know that I do appreciate every little act of kindness and sometimes it's the smallest things that mean the most.  I'll give you an example.  I was just chit-chatting with a lady while we were waiting for our boys to finish up football practice.  Somehow we got on the subject of baby names.  We discussed names we used and didn't use and why and then she asked me how we picked Andrew's name.  She is the first person, besides other mothers who have gone through something similar and my bff, to ever ask me anything about AJ.  It felt good to tell her.  Again, I doubt she will ever fully realize how much that one little question has meant to me, but for that little opportunity to talk about my son, I am grateful.

So on the crazy hard journey, I am learning to be grateful...although quiet...I am still grateful.

Back to School

Well, the kids started back to school today.  It's a little bittersweet.  Our summer was hard.  In a way this seems like starting a new chapter or perhaps just turning a page.  We deliberately had NOTHING planned for this summer.  The summer was supposed to be spent getting to know our new baby.  Instead it was spent mourning our son and brother.  I am a planner...perhaps God is trying to teach me that it's okay to NOT have it all together.  And more importantly, that my plan is not His plan. 

I'm a little nervous for the boys.  I know that first day of school is spent talking about what everyone did this summer.   I wonder what my boys will say.  After all, they held and buried their brother.  They attended their first funeral.  They took a tour of the funeral home.  They spent evenings at the cemetery sending message filled balloons to heaven.  They have spent lots of time praying for little AJ.  What will they say?  Maybe they will just talk about swimming at the pool or getting our new cows.  I know Blake was a little apprehensive about what others would say to him, if people would tell him they were sorry about his brother.  I hope they have a good day.  I have been praying for them.

Blake is playing football again this year which means we spend lots of time at practices and every Sunday night at games in Sioux Falls.  I see parents get so worked up about these 5th & 6th grade games and their child's playing time or abilities.  I think that I am not raising athletes or high academic achievers...I am raising little men after God's heart.  When they graduate from high school, I don't care if they are valedictorians, on National Honor Society or quarter back for the football team.  I care that they have a heart for God.  That they treat others with love and respect regardless of where they come from.  I just cannot stand the "cocky" kids that think they are all that.  They walk around putting others down to make themselves look good.  I am far more proud of the kids who may not play much but are still good sports.  The kids that congratulate the kid who made the catch or scored the touch down.  The kids that show real team spirit.  After all, when school is done, which skill is going to get you further--being able to catch a football or being able to show joy and compassion for others. 

Lately, the words to the song "Where I belong" by Building 429 have been playing over and over in my head.  The chorus goes like this:
         "All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong.  Take this world and give me Jesus. 
          This is not where I belong."
This is exactly how I have been feeling lately.  Like I just do not belong here anymore.  Like there is something far more important than this earthly existence.  I long for the day when I can sit in the splendor of Jesus Christ for eternity with ALL of my children.  Now, it is my job to see that my children here with me have that same love for the Lord, so we can all be together at the Throne.  So, I'll say it again...I'm not trying to raise athletes and academic scholars...I'm trying to raise children with a genuine heart for our Lord, Jesus Christ.  I challenge all of you to do the same.

"Where I belong" by Building 429     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzrMegNcCVA

8-29-2012
I just had to add to this post.  I was doing dishes the other night and thinking about AJ while listening to the radio.  The song "Homesick" by Mercy Me came on and I couldn't think of a more appropriate song.  It is amazing how God lays things on your heart.  I know this is not my Home and the things of this earth are just temporary.  I can't wait to be Home with you baby boy!  Here are the lyrics:

You're in a better place
I've heard a thousand times.
And at least a thousand times
I've rejoiced for you.
But the reason why I'm broken
is how long must I wait to be with you?

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is
then I'm out of place.
Lord won't you give me strength
to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't
understand your ways.
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know.
But even if you showed me,
the hurt would be the same
because I'm still here
so far away from Home.

In Christ there are no goodbyes.
In Christ there is no end.
So I'll hold on to Jesus
to see you again
to see you again.
*****


Homesick by Mercy Me    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY
Could any words ring truer?

Two months in Heaven

Well, last Wednesday we celebrated AJ's 2nd month in Heaven.  It is hard to believe it's been two months already.  Some days it all still feels so fresh.  We went out the the cemetery again and let two message filled balloons go.  We used red ones this time so we could seem them longer.  It was a calm, sunny evening and we watched them float away for a long time.  The kids were kind of excited about it this time.  They started thinking about their messages several days prior.

We also added a little "night light" at his grave site.  I just hate that he doesn't have a marker out at the cemetary yet.  He's in a pretty 'unpopulated' part of the cemetary and there are not too many markers out there.  If it wasn't for the little blue flag that the monument company put out there (and the ring of dead grass from his flowers being out there too long) I don't think I'd be able to find him.  So we added a little solar powered cross.  The headstone should be in place at the end of August or beginning of September.  I can't wait to have something permenant...something with his name on it...something to prove he was real...

I drove by it last night when it was lit up and it is really pretty.  I just wish it was a night light for his room instead of his grave:(   I just can't wait to get to Heaven to see the 'big picture.'  I have been reading lots of books and blogs about stillbirth and grief and someone posted once that it is obvious that the people who say "Time goes too fast" have never lost a child.  For me, everyday that is done, means I am one day closer to meeting my son.  And I just can't wait to meet my son:)