No words...

Lately, I just have no words...I know, hard to believe!  I almost feel like I should apologize for my lack of words.  There just aren't words to adequately describe what I would like to say, therefore; perhaps it's better not to speak at all. 

I get e-mails, texts, facebook messages, etc from very kind people letting me know that they are thinking about me or praying for me.  I LOVE that!  But I rarely reply.  I mean really, what do you say when someone says "I'm thinking about you" or "I'm praying for you"?  Thank you hardly seems adequate.  So I say nothing... There just are not words to even begin to express what it means to me to know that people still care.  It is my hope that I do not come across as ungrateful because I feel just the opposite.  I feel blessed.  Sometimes these little messages give me hope for the day.  There is a lady at church who has sent me many "thinking of you" cards during these past few months.  She sent one when we lost AJ, and the next week, and on my due date, and again a couple weeks later, and about a month after that.  I have wrote her a thank you note but I am sure she will never fully understand what these have meant to me.  I re-read them all the time.  She was an acquaintance.  She is now a dear friend.

I also don't have words to describe how I feel.  I don't believe there is a word in the English language that can describe it...miserable...maybe.  When people ask how I am, I just answer "fine" or "okay."  I mean, what choice do I have?  I have to be okay, right?  Really...I'm sad.  Very sad in fact.  I feel alone, even when surrounded by people.  I'm heartbroken.  I don't really know what to do next...although I guess I'm already doing it...I keep moving, going forward, getting through each day.

I am a huge fan of Pinterest.  Borderline addict.  I read this on there and feel it is very accurate:

          6 Stages of Grief

          1) Sadness
          2) Overwhelming sadness
          3) Incomprehensible sadness
          4) Crippling sadness
          5) Misery and despair
          6) Accepting your never ending sadness

I think I'm at stage 3 :)

I also read this quote which I thought was really interesting...

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
 A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
 A child who loses a parent is called an orphan.
 There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That's how awful the loss is."
                  ~Ronald Regan

So, with all that being said, please know that I do appreciate every little act of kindness and sometimes it's the smallest things that mean the most.  I'll give you an example.  I was just chit-chatting with a lady while we were waiting for our boys to finish up football practice.  Somehow we got on the subject of baby names.  We discussed names we used and didn't use and why and then she asked me how we picked Andrew's name.  She is the first person, besides other mothers who have gone through something similar and my bff, to ever ask me anything about AJ.  It felt good to tell her.  Again, I doubt she will ever fully realize how much that one little question has meant to me, but for that little opportunity to talk about my son, I am grateful.

So on the crazy hard journey, I am learning to be grateful...although quiet...I am still grateful.