It would Kill Me...Really?

This post has been on my heart for awhile now.  I read a lot of blogs created by other bereaved moms.  There is some comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this journey.   It seems like every blog has at least one post on "what NOT to say to a bereaved mother."  Some examples are "you can always have more children, be thankful for the children you have, time heals all wounds and God needed another angel" (I have a beef with this one too, but I address that some other day).  In truth, most of those don't bother me.  In fact, when a 70 something woman from our church told me I should have another baby because it would make me feel better, it made me laugh out loud.  I told her that I was already 37 years old and she just replied "who cares."  Love her!

However, there is one comment that drives me absolutely crazy.  It goes something like this "You are so strong.  If my child died, it would just kill me."  Really?  This is probably meant as a compliment--the part about being strong anyway.  When someone says "If my child died, it would kill me," I hear "you must not have loved your child as much as I love mine because you didn't die."  Well, guess what folks... if your child dies, you won't!!!  You WISH you would.  You sometimes feel like you might.  But you don't!  Instead you carry a constant and miserable heaviness in your heart.  A piece of me did die that die.  That is undeniable, but it didn't kill me.  I am still breathing.  I still wake up every morning whether I want to or not.  I am still expected to get dressed and take care of my motherly duties, pay my bill and participate fully in life.  The sad truth is, the world does not stop for your intense pain.  After a short period of time, life is back to "business as usual" whether you want to participate or not.  I loved that little boy with my whole heart.  I had plans for him.  He was already very much a part of our family.  My point is... AJ was loved... no less than you love your children.  Here is a harsh but true statement:  I hope you never lose a child, but if you do, know that it will not literally kill you.

For those of you who label me "strong," my strength has nothing to do with me.  I am abosolutely and  completely dependent on my Heavenly Father.  The one who counts every hair on my head (Mat 10:30) and keeps all my tears in a bottle(Ps 56:8). My God who heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds(Ps. 147:3).  My God who promises to be close to the brokenhearted and save those crushed in spirit(Ps 34:18).  My God who promises he is always with me and will never leave or forsake me (Deut 31:6)  My God who says his Grace is sufficient and His power works best in weakness (2 Cor 12:9).  And my God who says he will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born(Is 66:9)  God is where my strength comes from.  I know God uses brokenness to serve his purpose and it is my prayer that he uses me...and AJ...to accomplish his plan.

The dreaded question...

This was originally written in October of 2012.  I'm not sure why I left it in the "drafts" for so long.

This has been a pretty rotten week for me.  I celebrated my first birthday without AJ on October 5th.  It's hard to get too excited about anything when my heart is so broken.  I could tell John's heart wasn't in it either.  I have made peace with getting older.  Every day I complete here on Earth is one day closer to my eternal Home.  And I am really looking forward to going Home.  Last year on the day after my birthday, I discovered that I was pregnant with AJ.  What a gift!  I never dreamed that one year later, I would be missing him for 134 days.  I know that God has a perfect plan, but I sure wish I could understand it because it doesn't feel perfect to me.

Today I had one of my biggest fears realized.  I went to they eye doctor and he asked me how many kids I have.  I thought about it for while and answered 4 (because I was pretty sure I couldn't make it through a conversation about #5).  The he said to me "Boy, it took you awhile to answer that.  Did you have to count them?"  I politely smiled and said "yeah."  In reality, I didn't know how to explain it.  Then he asked me their ages.  Talk about a knife in my heart!  I have thought about this question a lot hoping that no one would ever ask me.  Obviously I haven't come up with an answer yet.  I mean really, what do you say?  I have 5 children.  Their ages are 11, 8, 8, 4, and dead.  Awkward!!!  There was absolutely no way I could have this conversation without bursting into tears and I doubt that is what the eye doctor wanted to deal with today.  I almost answered "no comment" but I thought he might find that odd too.  So, I have spent a good chunk of the last week in tears.  I am hoping tomorrow is better...there's always tomorrow.

A similar event happened a few months ago.  I was in the mall with my kids just walking down the corridor on a not-so-busy day when an older gentlemen walks over to me and says "Gee, you almost have a whole basketball team."  If you could count the child I carry in my heart, I would have a whole team.  I politely answered "almost."  I can only imagine the uncomfortable look I would get if I said "Yeah, too bad my son died.  I would have a whole team."

On a bright note, we took family pictures this week with the same photographer that took AJ's pictures at the hospital.  In some weird way, it was healing.  It was good to be with her.  Other than our kids, parents, hospital staff, and the funeral director, she is the only other person who saw and touched my son.  She was there.  She knows he is real.  She has such a kind spirit.  She saw us at our lowest and know she has seen us in a much better place.  We chose to use her because we wanted to somehow honor AJ in our pictures and I knew I wouldn't have to explain it to her.  By now, I'm sure you've all figured out that it is hard for me to talk about AJ.  I love to talk about him...but I still have a hard time doing it without tears.

Lost Dreams

Today is September 25, 2013 and my heart aches for my son who should be turning 16 months today.  I wish I could put into words how it feels...but I can't.  I really thought that getting through that first year would be the toughest...but it's not.  I thought maybe I would feel some sense of "closure" after celebrating his first birthday...like maybe life would feel a little more "normal" again...but it doesn't.  In fact, sometimes I feel worse.  I think, in the back of my mind, I was hoping to forget a little bit but I see him everyday.  My heart aches for him all the time.  And, just to be clear, I don't EVER want to forget my son...just some of the hurt.  I guess after one year, I hoped it would hurt less. 

Perhaps some of my hurt comes from my perceived expectations of others.  I feel like there is a sense of relief from others that this first year is over.  Like AJ is now in the past.  We don't have to talk about him anymore or be as "gentle" with me.  Like my grieving period is over and it's time to resume life as usual.  Again, this is my perception and perhaps it's skewed.  I don't even know what I want from other people.  I just don't want them to forget.  I have a 5th child.  A son.  His name is AJ.  I labored and gave birth to him.  I held him in my arms.  I kissed his little head.  I didn't want to give him back.

Every month leading up to AJ's first birthday, we went to the cemetery and did something special.  I spent many hours planning his party.  And when it was over, it seemed like there was nothing left to do.  The two months following his birthday where nearly unbearable.  August and September have been extremely busy which I think just keeps my mind busy and there is less time to think.  Some times the quietness hurts so much that I have to find some project to work on.

I believe that people genuinely try understand my sadness and I am thankful for that.  What I think people don't understand is that when you lose a baby....you lose all your dreams for that child.  I carried him for 37 1/2 weeks.  I had plans for this boy.  For this child I prayed.  When I brought Alexa to her first day of kindergarten, I went back out to my car and cried...not because I was dropping my baby girl off for her first day of school but because I knew that I would never get to take AJ to his first day of kindergarten.  How do you explain that to anyone?  I didn't just lose a son, I lost all my dreams for him, too.

We are still walking by faith...because we know we can't do this alone.

AJ's 1st Heavenly Birthday

Originally written on AJ's first Birthday - May 25, 2013

I did it!  I survived!  I made it through year one!  There were days when I was not sure that I would.

One year ago, I thought my own heart would surely stop beating when I heard AJ’s did…but it didn’t.

I didn’t think there was any way I could survive giving birth to a baby that I knew I had to give back to God…but I did.
I didn’t think there was any way I could physically leave my baby at the hospital and go home with empty arms…but I did.
I thought it would kill me to see his little casket put in the ground and be covered up with dirt…but it didn’t.
I didn’t think I would have the strength to get out of bed each day, knowing my son wasn’t here…but I did.
I never thought I would be picking out my headstone in my 30’s…but I did.
I never dreamed that I would be able to look at another baby again…but I have.
I never thought that one year later I would be able to stand on my own...but I am.  I am still standing!

Today, May 25, 2013, we celebrated my son’s first Heavenly Birthday.  It seems like such an odd thing to say.  I had such a hard time deciding what to do.  We tossed around throwing a big BBQ, having our “usual’ birthday gathering, having a brunch, or doing nothing.  I had decided on a brunch and my first guest list had 23 people.  Then I started to feel a bit overwhelmed so I decided we wouldn’t really do anything.  But in the end, I had a small brunch.  I invited those ladies who have been so encouraging this past year.  (And seven guests sounded manageable).  I was talking with one of these lovely ladies earlier in the week and I was telling her how I just couldn’t decide what I wanted to do and that maybe we should just forget it.  She wisely said to me “Well, you just have to do something or it will just be a sad day.”  She was right!

One year later and we are still so blessed by people.   It warmed my heart that people donated money in AJ’s memory to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, to the Gideons, and to Life 96.5 (our absolute favorite radio station).  We received flowers, jewelry, and beautiful decorations for AJ’s garden.  We were also blessed by so many people who sent cards, texts, Facebook posts and messages.  It is humbling to know that so many people are still thinking of us. 

I am still so in love with that little boy!  He will always have a piece of my heart with him.  I miss him and still think about him constantly.  I can't wait to see him again!  I will leave you with a quote that I received with one of my gifts that I think is very appropriate today.

 

“The amount of time on earth matters little:  a man can live in greed and pride 90 years and never find God, know Him, or accomplish His Plan.  A stillborn baby, on the other hand, teaches people to love, brings people to the Lord, teaches us the tenuous nature of life and teaches us a faith that those who have not suffered loss can never know.  A child not even breathing for an hour can have an impact greater than a famous preacher.  The purpose of a life is not ours to decide nor in our hands:  it is brought about by God.”  Author Unknown.

Today is May 1st

This really was written on May 1st.  :)

Today is May 1^st.  Only 25 days until my baby’s first birthday.  It’s hard to believe it’s been almost a year.  One year later and my heart is still so heavy and, at times, the heartache is still so raw.  Yes, we are healing.  Yes, we are moving forward.  But there is still a very real and physical pain in my heart.  I can’t really explain it.  There are times when I think of AJ and it just sort of feels like there is a brick on my chest and I can’t quite catch my breath which is often followed by palpitations.  I notice that they are happening more frequently.  I am sure that I am just anxious as his birthday approaches.  I have also noticed that I am more irritable as well.  I hope I don’t spend every May crabbyJ May is such a busy month, I just don’t feel like I have the time to grieve so my tears silently soak my pillow at night… and sometimes not so silently.

I read a book awhile back called “Empty.  Living full of faith when life drains you dry” by Cherie Hill.  You know how God gives you things just when you need them?  Well, that’s what he did with this book.  I shouldn’t be surprised since God’s timing is perfect.  A part of the book talks about a great lie that many Christians believe.  I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “God will never give you more than you can handle.”  That’s a LIE!  It is not biblical!  And frankly that phrase has bothered me since AJ was born although I couldn’t exactly put my finger on why.  At times, that phrase  sounds good and may even give us hope, but it is a lie.  “As you find yourself struggling to continually believe that no matter what you face, God is never going to allow you to deal with more than you can handle-that brings reassurance to a spirit that is restless and hopeless.”  In truth, God has NEVER said that He won’t give us more than we can handle.  “What he has shown is, throughout history, He ALWAYS gives people MORE than they can handle.”  He gives us more than we can handle because that’s when he shows up.  “Moses didn’t part the Red Sea on his own.  Daniel should have been devoured in a lion’s den.  Who survives walking into a fiery furnace?  Goliath should have crushed David, and Jonah should have been left for dead.  The storm on the Sea of Galilee was obviously going to drown the Disciples, and even Jesus needed help carrying His Cross.”

It is when we are in the most need that we turn to God.  Without these situations in our life, we would never need God to show up.  We would become dependent on ourselves and not need God.  This is what the book says about God giving us what we can handle.  “If God is only giving you what you CAN handle,

You’re not learning to depend on God,

                You’re not stepping out in faith,

                And your faith isn’t growing.”

I absolutely agree with this.  I know God has given me more than I can handle!  But I also know that God is there walking beside me.  I believe that hearing the words “I’m sorry, your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat” should have sent me over the edge.  Delivering a baby I knew I had to give back should have left me a weeping heap.  Seeing my baby’s tiny casket being put in the ground should have killed me.  But it didn’t’.  I am still standing…because I walk by faith, not by sight.  I know God showed up. I know he didn’t leave me here alone to “handle it.” I’ll end with this closing thought from the book.  “God’s goal:  to bring us to a place where we realize we can’t do it without Him.  It’s about bringing us to the Cross- as many times as it takes, so that our relationship with Him is the wellspring of our lives.”

Easter

This was written on March 31, 2013 - Easter day.

It is Easter.  I knew this would be a hard holiday for me.  Mainly because I found the scripture surrounding the death of Jesus to be some of the most comforting after I lost AJ.  I know I have written about that in a previous blog so I won’t rehash it all again.  But to know that God also lost a son and knows firsthand what I am feeling is comforting.  It was hard enough to see my son born breathless; I can’t even imagine watching him be crucified on a cross. 

There was a dedication at church today.  There were six other babies born in our church this summer and I managed to miss all of their dedications just by coincidence (I only actually knew about one of them in advance.)  By the way, I think it should be mandatory to put dedications/baptisms/ect in the bulletin.  Our previous church always had them listed in the coming events and I miss that, but that’s another story.  Anyway, the other dedications just happened to fall on weekends I (or one of the kids) were sick or we were out of town.  I truly believe that was a gift from God.  I remember that Blake came home one Sunday and he said “Mom, you’re probably glad you didn’t go to church today.  There was a baby dedicated.”  He is so thoughtful.  Today, a guest had their baby dedicated.  I wasn’t expecting that!  At first I wanted to run away screaming…but by then end, it was okay.  I am getting pretty good at keeping the tears in check, although sometimes they just come rolling out without any notice.   I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear anything the rest of the service.  I checked out when I had to see all the joyful smiles associated with a dedication.  I had already been planning AJ’s dedication, but instead, I got to plan a funeral.

The first thing I did when we got home from church was open a bottle of wine.  John looked at me a little funny but hey…it was almost noon…and after the baby dedication and knowing I had to go “celebrate” Easter with family; it was almost more than I could bear.  Every holiday I tell John that I wish we could just stay home.  He says “let’s do it.”  Yet, I somehow feel obligated to go on as if life is normal.  If it were just John and I, we would probably never attend another family function, but we do it for the kids.  Ugghh!

In the end, we survived.  I would have preferred to sleep thru Easter but I am so very thankful that Christ died on the cross for me.  “Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.  Because He lives, all fear is gone.  Because I know He holds the future.  And life is worth the living just because He lives.”

10 Months

This was originally written on March 25, 2013.  I often write them as a rough draft and then spend some time reflecting on them before I edit and post.  And I don’t get to the blog as much as I would like.

10 months…I can even hardly believe that it has been that 10 months since I have had to say hello and goodbye to my baby boy.  We went to the cemetery tonight, like we always do on the 25^th.  We let 10 message filled balloons go.  We haven’t let balloons go in a few months because it has been so cold.  During those cold winter months we put beautiful ice rings at the cemetery with a lit candle in the middle.  They were beautiful.  I love to remember him!   

 

This is a picture of the lite candle ice ring on Christmas Eve.  It was so beautiful and peaceful in the cemetery that night.

 

I am soooo very sad that he is not here with me…but I am sooooo happy that he is in Heaven with our Savior.  I am terribly heartbroken….but God promises to bind up our wounds (Psalm 147:3).  I am incredibly lonely….yet God has blessed me with very dear friends, old and new.  So, you can see I am still a ball of emotions.  Some days are better than others.   I am not sure that people realize that I am thinking about AJ all the time.  He’s not just a fleeting thought every so often.   He is my first thought in the morning…he is my last thought before I go to bed…and there are 100’s, if not 1,000’s, of thoughts of him in between.  I think about the day we were told he didn’t have heartbeat and the day I delivered him.  I think about how I had to leave the hospital without him and come home to an empty cradle and a new car seat that I will never use for him.  I think about his little body in the tiny casket and my husband carrying that casket from the church to the cemetery.  I think about my pregnancy and how he used to be such a kicker and mover.  I think about how I was so looking forward to his dedication and instead, I got to plan a funeral.  I think about how overwhelmed we were by all the cards, gifts, and kind words.  I think about how saddened we were by others who seemed to not acknowledge AJ at all.  And then I think about what our lives would be like with a baby.  Our lives are so busy and full.  It would be fun to see how AJ would have fit in.  I wonder if he would be crawling.  His siblings were early crawlers.  I wonder if he would have been a daddy’s boy.  Alexa was such a mommy’s girl.  I wonder if he would have kept that head full of dark hair like Isaak or if he would have went nearly bald like Blake.  I wonder if he would have been a good sleeper.  We’ve never had one of those.  I wonder if his eyes would be blue like John’s or hazel, like mine.  I wonder what his personality would be like; if he would have been a laid back baby, like Isaak or a colicky baby like Mason?  And I am sure that I will always wonder.  You see, I have so many thoughts about him.  I only had him in my arms for hours, but he will live in my mind and heart forever.  I am pretty sure, to the world, I look “fine” but I don’t even have words to describe what it was like to lose him and what it is like to go on without him when in your heart, all you really want is Heaven.

There is a great quote by C.S. Lewis that says “If I find myself with desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”  I AM MADE FOR ANOTHER WORLD.  Nothing on this Earth can satisfy my desires!  I know that loss changes a person.  I can absolutely feel that! I am less interested in “things” and more interested in people.  I often wonder how the world sees me.  Do I look different to the world?  I barely recognize myself anymore.  I cry more.  I laugh less.  I love deeper.  I am hurt more easily.  I am sensitive.  I am more easily offended.  I am an over-thinker.  I am lonely, even when surrounded by people.   I am distant.  I am more sympathetic.  I am less judgmental.  I am empathetic.  I am broken.  But mostly,  I am completely dependent on the Father.  Looking forward to what is to come!  

My God, My God...

This post was originally written in early November 2012 and I just got around to posting it to my blog.  :(

I am going to admit something that I am not terribly proud of.  From the moment I found out AJ didn’t have a heartbeat, I started searching my memory for scripture, something for me to hang onto, to provide some sort of comfort.  The verse that kept playing in my mind was Philippians 4:19 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  During those first few days, there were times when I just didn’t think I could go on but I would repeat that verse over and over and somehow, by the grace of God, I was able to pick myself up, sometimes literally, and continue on.

When AJ was born the room was absolutely silent except for the doctor counting 1…2…3…4…5…as he untangled my son from his own cord.  The doctor placed him in my arms and the verse that immediately  popped into my mind was Matthew 27:46 “…My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” 

What???  I know I am not forsaken.  I am blessed beyond measure.  I have a great life.  I have an amazing husband who loves me dearly (and I LOVE him!), four beautiful, healthy children here on earth who are mostly sweet and loving, a warm and comfortable house.  I have true friends and a great church.  I have everything I NEED and much, much more.  So, what part of that sounds “forsaken”?  Just because God did not fulfill MY plan does not mean that he has forsaken me.  And for even briefly thinking that…I am not proud.

I wish that before I delivered AJ, I would have read the scripture about Jesus praying in the garden of Gethsemane.  I know it seems like an odd passage to bring comfort, but it has.   Jesus prayed in the garden “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me.  Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” Matthew 26:39.  I could relate to that.  I remember soaking in the bathtub the night before I was induced and begging God to let that ultrasound be wrong, to somehow let me give birth to a living baby.  I knew he had the power to perform miracles, but if that wouldn’t be the case, I asked that he would help me to do this gracefully…to praise him in the storm…to not waiver in my faith. 

I have a beautiful devotional called a “A Year of Hope” by Nancy Guthrie and in it, she says “…it is hard to accept that our loving God has the power to eliminate suffering and yet chooses not to.  It was Hebrews 5:7-8 that helped me in my wrestling with this.”  (Hebrews 5:7-8 reads “While Jesus was here on Earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could deliver him out of death.  And God heard his prayers because of his reverence for God.  So even though Jesus was God’s son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.”)  Guthrie goes on to say “I have clung to these verses in the lowest days of grief.  In it I see the fully human, fully God Jesus facing the Cross and crying out to his Father, who has the power to make another way, enact another plan…but chooses not to.  And I see his submission to that perfect plan of God, a plan that included suffering and death.  It helps me to know that even as he submitted to it, Jesus wrestled with God’s plan to redeem the world through his death on the cross.  It helps because I, too, have wrestled with God’s plan for my life even as I sought to submit to it.”

I found that passage powerful because I, too, have been wrestling with God’s plan for my life.  I am just having a hard time seeing the sense in AJ’s death.  I have been searching for something “good” to come out of this.  I just wish things could be different.  I wish I could go back to being naïve and thinking things like this only happen to other people.  I wish I was holding my 5 month old baby instead of bringing balloons to his grave.  I know that God is holding my heart.  I know that I am His. “If anyone knows the pain that comes from losing someone you love, GOD DOES.”