10 Months

This was originally written on March 25, 2013.  I often write them as a rough draft and then spend some time reflecting on them before I edit and post.  And I don’t get to the blog as much as I would like.

10 months…I can even hardly believe that it has been that 10 months since I have had to say hello and goodbye to my baby boy.  We went to the cemetery tonight, like we always do on the 25^th.  We let 10 message filled balloons go.  We haven’t let balloons go in a few months because it has been so cold.  During those cold winter months we put beautiful ice rings at the cemetery with a lit candle in the middle.  They were beautiful.  I love to remember him!   

 

This is a picture of the lite candle ice ring on Christmas Eve.  It was so beautiful and peaceful in the cemetery that night.

 

I am soooo very sad that he is not here with me…but I am sooooo happy that he is in Heaven with our Savior.  I am terribly heartbroken….but God promises to bind up our wounds (Psalm 147:3).  I am incredibly lonely….yet God has blessed me with very dear friends, old and new.  So, you can see I am still a ball of emotions.  Some days are better than others.   I am not sure that people realize that I am thinking about AJ all the time.  He’s not just a fleeting thought every so often.   He is my first thought in the morning…he is my last thought before I go to bed…and there are 100’s, if not 1,000’s, of thoughts of him in between.  I think about the day we were told he didn’t have heartbeat and the day I delivered him.  I think about how I had to leave the hospital without him and come home to an empty cradle and a new car seat that I will never use for him.  I think about his little body in the tiny casket and my husband carrying that casket from the church to the cemetery.  I think about my pregnancy and how he used to be such a kicker and mover.  I think about how I was so looking forward to his dedication and instead, I got to plan a funeral.  I think about how overwhelmed we were by all the cards, gifts, and kind words.  I think about how saddened we were by others who seemed to not acknowledge AJ at all.  And then I think about what our lives would be like with a baby.  Our lives are so busy and full.  It would be fun to see how AJ would have fit in.  I wonder if he would be crawling.  His siblings were early crawlers.  I wonder if he would have been a daddy’s boy.  Alexa was such a mommy’s girl.  I wonder if he would have kept that head full of dark hair like Isaak or if he would have went nearly bald like Blake.  I wonder if he would have been a good sleeper.  We’ve never had one of those.  I wonder if his eyes would be blue like John’s or hazel, like mine.  I wonder what his personality would be like; if he would have been a laid back baby, like Isaak or a colicky baby like Mason?  And I am sure that I will always wonder.  You see, I have so many thoughts about him.  I only had him in my arms for hours, but he will live in my mind and heart forever.  I am pretty sure, to the world, I look “fine” but I don’t even have words to describe what it was like to lose him and what it is like to go on without him when in your heart, all you really want is Heaven.

There is a great quote by C.S. Lewis that says “If I find myself with desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”  I AM MADE FOR ANOTHER WORLD.  Nothing on this Earth can satisfy my desires!  I know that loss changes a person.  I can absolutely feel that! I am less interested in “things” and more interested in people.  I often wonder how the world sees me.  Do I look different to the world?  I barely recognize myself anymore.  I cry more.  I laugh less.  I love deeper.  I am hurt more easily.  I am sensitive.  I am more easily offended.  I am an over-thinker.  I am lonely, even when surrounded by people.   I am distant.  I am more sympathetic.  I am less judgmental.  I am empathetic.  I am broken.  But mostly,  I am completely dependent on the Father.  Looking forward to what is to come!  

My God, My God...

This post was originally written in early November 2012 and I just got around to posting it to my blog.  :(

I am going to admit something that I am not terribly proud of.  From the moment I found out AJ didn’t have a heartbeat, I started searching my memory for scripture, something for me to hang onto, to provide some sort of comfort.  The verse that kept playing in my mind was Philippians 4:19 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  During those first few days, there were times when I just didn’t think I could go on but I would repeat that verse over and over and somehow, by the grace of God, I was able to pick myself up, sometimes literally, and continue on.

When AJ was born the room was absolutely silent except for the doctor counting 1…2…3…4…5…as he untangled my son from his own cord.  The doctor placed him in my arms and the verse that immediately  popped into my mind was Matthew 27:46 “…My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” 

What???  I know I am not forsaken.  I am blessed beyond measure.  I have a great life.  I have an amazing husband who loves me dearly (and I LOVE him!), four beautiful, healthy children here on earth who are mostly sweet and loving, a warm and comfortable house.  I have true friends and a great church.  I have everything I NEED and much, much more.  So, what part of that sounds “forsaken”?  Just because God did not fulfill MY plan does not mean that he has forsaken me.  And for even briefly thinking that…I am not proud.

I wish that before I delivered AJ, I would have read the scripture about Jesus praying in the garden of Gethsemane.  I know it seems like an odd passage to bring comfort, but it has.   Jesus prayed in the garden “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me.  Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” Matthew 26:39.  I could relate to that.  I remember soaking in the bathtub the night before I was induced and begging God to let that ultrasound be wrong, to somehow let me give birth to a living baby.  I knew he had the power to perform miracles, but if that wouldn’t be the case, I asked that he would help me to do this gracefully…to praise him in the storm…to not waiver in my faith. 

I have a beautiful devotional called a “A Year of Hope” by Nancy Guthrie and in it, she says “…it is hard to accept that our loving God has the power to eliminate suffering and yet chooses not to.  It was Hebrews 5:7-8 that helped me in my wrestling with this.”  (Hebrews 5:7-8 reads “While Jesus was here on Earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the one who could deliver him out of death.  And God heard his prayers because of his reverence for God.  So even though Jesus was God’s son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.”)  Guthrie goes on to say “I have clung to these verses in the lowest days of grief.  In it I see the fully human, fully God Jesus facing the Cross and crying out to his Father, who has the power to make another way, enact another plan…but chooses not to.  And I see his submission to that perfect plan of God, a plan that included suffering and death.  It helps me to know that even as he submitted to it, Jesus wrestled with God’s plan to redeem the world through his death on the cross.  It helps because I, too, have wrestled with God’s plan for my life even as I sought to submit to it.”

I found that passage powerful because I, too, have been wrestling with God’s plan for my life.  I am just having a hard time seeing the sense in AJ’s death.  I have been searching for something “good” to come out of this.  I just wish things could be different.  I wish I could go back to being naïve and thinking things like this only happen to other people.  I wish I was holding my 5 month old baby instead of bringing balloons to his grave.  I know that God is holding my heart.  I know that I am His. “If anyone knows the pain that comes from losing someone you love, GOD DOES.”

4 Long, Lonely Months

This was written on September 25th, 2012...I like to write them and then ponder on them for awhile before actually posting,

Well, today marks 4 months since my sweet son was born…and died.  Four long… lonely… sleep deprived months.  We went to the cemetery again tonight and let 4 message-filled balloons go up to Heaven.  It was hard tonight, very hard.  I HATE that he is not here.  He should be here with me.  A few weeks ago in church, there was another brand new baby sitting straight across the aisle from our family.  Lexi asked John “is that so-and-so’s baby?”  He told her “yes” and she said “that’s not fair.  We didn’t get to keep our baby.”  She then put her head on John’s shoulder and cried a little bit.  I was on the other end of the pew and completely oblivious to what was going on.  John told me the story later.  I asked him what he said to her.  He said that he told her she was right.  It’s not fair.  I thought, wow, I never  would have said that to her.  I would have said something like “God has a plan for our family” or “I know it’s sad, but AJ is happy in Heaven.”  I never would have said “you’re right, it’s not fair.”  But you know what…they are right…It’s NOT fair…it’s not fair at all.  And frankly, it really sucks!

 

Today, on the way to drop Lexi off at preschool, she told me that she was going to ask Jesus if she could hold AJ one more time.  Sometimes it’s like she reads my mind.  Oh, how I wish I could hold him again.  I wish I could have looked into his eyes for one minute.  I wish I could have heard him make one little sound.  I wish I could have whispered in his ear and know that he heard me.  I have thought about that day over and over.  If only I could have had 5 minutes with him.  But I know if I would have had 5 minutes, I would have wanted an hour and a day or a month, maybe a year…whatever the amount of time…it wouldn’t have been enough.  A parent is not supposed to out-live their children.  

“The moment that a mother finds out that her child had died is one that she’ll never forget.  Time stood still, my heart stopped beating, and a big part of me died with him.  No words can describe the feeling of looking down at your baby and seeing a sleeping angel.  Even though you don’t want to remember that day, you never want to forget.  Every moment, every detail, every tear is etched in your heart forever…” Mary Nelda Williams.        

“I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices.  You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy” John 16:20.  I am patiently waiting for my joy.  

Kiss him once for me... 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9_Ctb6Zm1s

Take up thy Cross daily

Well, it has been exactly 16 weeks since we found that that our sweet little AJ didn’t have a heartbeat.  I’ll never forget that day… or that sleepless night.  The day we heard “I am very sorry, but there is no heartbeat.”  It was so hard to put all my thoughts together.  They gave us choices.  We could have checked into the hospital that minute to be induced.  I could come back the next day…or the next…or the next…or next week.  Part of me wanted to go to the hospital that instant and…part of me wanted to leave him in there forever so I would never have to separate from him.  But my priority at that minute was my other four children.  There was nothing I could do for AJ but I NEEDED to comfort my other kids and prepare them and answer any questions.   We picked them up from John’s parents, brought them home and sat them all down on the couch…the same couch we sat them on 6 months before to tell them we’d be adding a baby to the family.  I recorded their reaction when we told them I was pregnant.  They were so excited…yelling and jumping on the couch.  I haven’t been able to watch that video yet.  But I’ll never forget that Isaak asked me “what if something happens to the baby?”  I didn’t really know what to say or why he would even ask that?  I told him that I hoped nothing would  happen and that we need to pray for this baby.   Who would have guessed it would end like this?  We snuggled and cried with each of them.  Lexi had to run outside and tell Buddy (our dog).  She said he was sad too.  I don’t know how she could tell…he’s a Cocker Spaniel and always looks sad.  We spent the rest of the day and night cleaning.  Scrubbing floors and toilets.  Cleaning the fridge and vacuuming.  I didn’t know what else to do.  I remember being on my hands and knees in the backroom scrubbing the floor and thinking this is just so ridiculous.  My baby is dead and I’m scrubbing the floor.  I am a “grief cleaner.”  Whenever I am really sad, I scrub something.  I have cleaned in places I haven’t seen since we moved in, like behind the stove and under the fridge.  Weird,huh? 

Yesterday, I lied.   I was coming out of bible study and saw my Pastor.  He asked how I was and I said “okay” but the truth is I am not.  I had been fighting off tears all morning and the day before that, too.  I took a deep breath, turned the corner, put a smile on my face, picked up my daughter from the nursery, and had a conversation about the much needed rain we were getting.  I buckled up Lexi in the seat behind me and cried all the way home.  On top of being sad...I felt a little guilty about lying.  Certainly, I could tell my Pastor I'm not okay, right?  I don’t know why some days are like this.  Some days the pain is so terrible…so raw…like it just happened.  And other days, it feels like it happened a lifetime ago.  Like I am completely numb.  I read in a book about infant loss that said grief comes in gradual increments because your heart couldn’t take the pain if it was all given to you at once.  I believe that wholeheartedly.  As time passes, I just miss him more and more.  I didn't think it would be like this:(

Anyway, yesterday we started a new bible study.  It is called “Not a Fan.”  It is about asking yourself if you are a fan or a follower of Jesus?  Do you give him the keys to all the rooms of your life or keep him compartmentalized to a certain area?  This is what Jesus said “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me.” Luke 9:23.  Take up his cross daily!!!!  You hear it said that everyone has a cross to bear.  Right now I feel like my cross is unbearably heavy.  Some days I swear it is too heavy to even drag like it is going to crush me.  Other days, friends come along and help burden some of the weight, like Simon with Jesus.  Even with help, it is still a difficult cross to carry. 

So you can continue to pray for us.  We are still so sad…so broken…but we have HOPE.

No words...

Lately, I just have no words...I know, hard to believe!  I almost feel like I should apologize for my lack of words.  There just aren't words to adequately describe what I would like to say, therefore; perhaps it's better not to speak at all. 

I get e-mails, texts, facebook messages, etc from very kind people letting me know that they are thinking about me or praying for me.  I LOVE that!  But I rarely reply.  I mean really, what do you say when someone says "I'm thinking about you" or "I'm praying for you"?  Thank you hardly seems adequate.  So I say nothing... There just are not words to even begin to express what it means to me to know that people still care.  It is my hope that I do not come across as ungrateful because I feel just the opposite.  I feel blessed.  Sometimes these little messages give me hope for the day.  There is a lady at church who has sent me many "thinking of you" cards during these past few months.  She sent one when we lost AJ, and the next week, and on my due date, and again a couple weeks later, and about a month after that.  I have wrote her a thank you note but I am sure she will never fully understand what these have meant to me.  I re-read them all the time.  She was an acquaintance.  She is now a dear friend.

I also don't have words to describe how I feel.  I don't believe there is a word in the English language that can describe it...miserable...maybe.  When people ask how I am, I just answer "fine" or "okay."  I mean, what choice do I have?  I have to be okay, right?  Really...I'm sad.  Very sad in fact.  I feel alone, even when surrounded by people.  I'm heartbroken.  I don't really know what to do next...although I guess I'm already doing it...I keep moving, going forward, getting through each day.

I am a huge fan of Pinterest.  Borderline addict.  I read this on there and feel it is very accurate:

          6 Stages of Grief

          1) Sadness
          2) Overwhelming sadness
          3) Incomprehensible sadness
          4) Crippling sadness
          5) Misery and despair
          6) Accepting your never ending sadness

I think I'm at stage 3 :)

I also read this quote which I thought was really interesting...

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
 A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
 A child who loses a parent is called an orphan.
 There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That's how awful the loss is."
                  ~Ronald Regan

So, with all that being said, please know that I do appreciate every little act of kindness and sometimes it's the smallest things that mean the most.  I'll give you an example.  I was just chit-chatting with a lady while we were waiting for our boys to finish up football practice.  Somehow we got on the subject of baby names.  We discussed names we used and didn't use and why and then she asked me how we picked Andrew's name.  She is the first person, besides other mothers who have gone through something similar and my bff, to ever ask me anything about AJ.  It felt good to tell her.  Again, I doubt she will ever fully realize how much that one little question has meant to me, but for that little opportunity to talk about my son, I am grateful.

So on the crazy hard journey, I am learning to be grateful...although quiet...I am still grateful.

Back to School

Well, the kids started back to school today.  It's a little bittersweet.  Our summer was hard.  In a way this seems like starting a new chapter or perhaps just turning a page.  We deliberately had NOTHING planned for this summer.  The summer was supposed to be spent getting to know our new baby.  Instead it was spent mourning our son and brother.  I am a planner...perhaps God is trying to teach me that it's okay to NOT have it all together.  And more importantly, that my plan is not His plan. 

I'm a little nervous for the boys.  I know that first day of school is spent talking about what everyone did this summer.   I wonder what my boys will say.  After all, they held and buried their brother.  They attended their first funeral.  They took a tour of the funeral home.  They spent evenings at the cemetery sending message filled balloons to heaven.  They have spent lots of time praying for little AJ.  What will they say?  Maybe they will just talk about swimming at the pool or getting our new cows.  I know Blake was a little apprehensive about what others would say to him, if people would tell him they were sorry about his brother.  I hope they have a good day.  I have been praying for them.

Blake is playing football again this year which means we spend lots of time at practices and every Sunday night at games in Sioux Falls.  I see parents get so worked up about these 5th & 6th grade games and their child's playing time or abilities.  I think that I am not raising athletes or high academic achievers...I am raising little men after God's heart.  When they graduate from high school, I don't care if they are valedictorians, on National Honor Society or quarter back for the football team.  I care that they have a heart for God.  That they treat others with love and respect regardless of where they come from.  I just cannot stand the "cocky" kids that think they are all that.  They walk around putting others down to make themselves look good.  I am far more proud of the kids who may not play much but are still good sports.  The kids that congratulate the kid who made the catch or scored the touch down.  The kids that show real team spirit.  After all, when school is done, which skill is going to get you further--being able to catch a football or being able to show joy and compassion for others. 

Lately, the words to the song "Where I belong" by Building 429 have been playing over and over in my head.  The chorus goes like this:
         "All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong.  Take this world and give me Jesus. 
          This is not where I belong."
This is exactly how I have been feeling lately.  Like I just do not belong here anymore.  Like there is something far more important than this earthly existence.  I long for the day when I can sit in the splendor of Jesus Christ for eternity with ALL of my children.  Now, it is my job to see that my children here with me have that same love for the Lord, so we can all be together at the Throne.  So, I'll say it again...I'm not trying to raise athletes and academic scholars...I'm trying to raise children with a genuine heart for our Lord, Jesus Christ.  I challenge all of you to do the same.

"Where I belong" by Building 429     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzrMegNcCVA

8-29-2012
I just had to add to this post.  I was doing dishes the other night and thinking about AJ while listening to the radio.  The song "Homesick" by Mercy Me came on and I couldn't think of a more appropriate song.  It is amazing how God lays things on your heart.  I know this is not my Home and the things of this earth are just temporary.  I can't wait to be Home with you baby boy!  Here are the lyrics:

You're in a better place
I've heard a thousand times.
And at least a thousand times
I've rejoiced for you.
But the reason why I'm broken
is how long must I wait to be with you?

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is
then I'm out of place.
Lord won't you give me strength
to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't
understand your ways.
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know.
But even if you showed me,
the hurt would be the same
because I'm still here
so far away from Home.

In Christ there are no goodbyes.
In Christ there is no end.
So I'll hold on to Jesus
to see you again
to see you again.
*****


Homesick by Mercy Me    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY
Could any words ring truer?

Two months in Heaven

Well, last Wednesday we celebrated AJ's 2nd month in Heaven.  It is hard to believe it's been two months already.  Some days it all still feels so fresh.  We went out the the cemetery again and let two message filled balloons go.  We used red ones this time so we could seem them longer.  It was a calm, sunny evening and we watched them float away for a long time.  The kids were kind of excited about it this time.  They started thinking about their messages several days prior.

We also added a little "night light" at his grave site.  I just hate that he doesn't have a marker out at the cemetary yet.  He's in a pretty 'unpopulated' part of the cemetary and there are not too many markers out there.  If it wasn't for the little blue flag that the monument company put out there (and the ring of dead grass from his flowers being out there too long) I don't think I'd be able to find him.  So we added a little solar powered cross.  The headstone should be in place at the end of August or beginning of September.  I can't wait to have something permenant...something with his name on it...something to prove he was real...

I drove by it last night when it was lit up and it is really pretty.  I just wish it was a night light for his room instead of his grave:(   I just can't wait to get to Heaven to see the 'big picture.'  I have been reading lots of books and blogs about stillbirth and grief and someone posted once that it is obvious that the people who say "Time goes too fast" have never lost a child.  For me, everyday that is done, means I am one day closer to meeting my son.  And I just can't wait to meet my son:)